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James Wilde

April 1998

Hey. First things first, apologies for 2 things,

1. Absence of a March column, I had A-Level mocks and loads of work and it just got put back and back, and I ran out of time.

2. My Feb column, that was to say the least, total tat. It was written about 3 hours before the deadline whilst I was in a drunken stupor. Remind me never to drink 8 cans of Caffreys and then write anything ever again.

OK now that's over on with the show...!

So what topic should I cast my critical eye upon this month? Arts? Better not as the only thing that I can draw right is a stick man. Culture? Know nothing about it really. Terry Pratchett? A subject close to my own heart but perhaps a touch boring for anyone else. My life in general? Yawnfest.

It seems like I have a small problem, due to the fact that I'm a sad lamer I can't actually think of anything to say. Well I'll try some computing, here's a joke I thought was quite funny, if you actually get it, and not many do, E-mail me and tell me on octarine@mailexcite.com.

Q - How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?

A - Fo, three to change the lem and One to axe the gravy.

Well that's the computing spot finished. Now onto matters more alcoholic.

As you may have gathered I do tend to indulge in the occasional drink from time to time, note I'm NOT drinking now. Except a cup of tea, but that doesn't count. And I'd like to have a little competition question.

Q- In brewery terms, what do the letters O.G. stand for??

Answers on a postcard to octarine@mailexcite.com, the first 3 correct entries will receive recognition from me of being clever. The answer should be on next months page.

NEWS....NEWS....NEWS

Oh yeah I stupidly went out and bought a digital camera. Doesn't sound so stupid, I bought it on credit. So, I have to pay for it for the next ten years or something so next month I may have a little piccy.

Anyway, onto subject matter

Some things I have been through/going through that I think maybe a few others may go through and that's depression. Firstly, depression is not a state of mind. It is a medical condition, that is sometimes treated with therapy or drugs (that don't always work)

OK what is depression? Depression is a permanent state of 'feeling bad.' It is not the occasional blues, we all get that, it is a medical problem. It may be caused by emotional problems, e.g. sexuality, but it is a "real" problem. It doesn't go away. I know I was depressed for some time. I think I am better now, but when I was really bad it was the worst I have ever felt.

What happens? Well, many things, suicidal thoughts are one. I know I had them, in fact not a moment passed that suicide wasn't option. It still is. Another thing is self mutilation or cutting as it was know on IRC. Basically, cutting is when you cut yourself (explanatory name, huh?) with a razor blade or other sharp implement. I used to use pencil sharpener blades. I still have hundreds of scars on my arms. Some people say that I did it for attention, I didn't. I did it because hurting myself made me feel better. I wanted to die, and hurting myself made me feel better. I just want to say for the record, that in the short term cutting makes you feel better, but in the long run, it makes you worse. If you don't believe me, email me on octarine@mailexcite.com as I have many more stories.

The only really helpful thing I can say about depression at the moment is don't suffer alone. If you want to talk to me then just email, all I know is that I was depressed, in many ways I still am. I have taken the pills. I have taken too many of the pills. I have honestly thought I would die, and then I thought that I was content. But I now know that although death is a solution (it is always a solution), life is a better one. Life continues. One of the main things gay people fear is what other people think. To paraphrase the great Richard P Feynman, "What do you care what other people think?"

Jim

PS: I think the Hanson song "weird" is one of the most amazing song lyrics I have heard in a long time, and it appeals to me a lot in a "gay" sense (this has nothing to do with that fact that I like the middle one).

If anyone wants to chat email me on jameswilde@netmaster.force9.net or octarine@mailexcite.com

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