May 1998

Writing this article has been a point of dread for me this month. The funny thing is that the main reason it has been so difficult is the exact part that I am not going to write about!

Coming Out This Past Spring Break.

I just don't want to talk about it. I have been thinking about what I'm going to write. I had a very bad Spring Break, and it was all because I came out to my parents. They did not take it well at all. I might talk about it next month.

The Final Quarter of the Year!

I am now in the final quarter of my first year in college. I wish that it could last forever. It seems really strange that I should feel like school should never end! I guess that that just tells you how much I love my school. I've been hosting a slew of prospective students. But of all of them, I'm pretty sure that the first guy I hosted is homosexual. He was quite cute, but then again I can say this in retrospect since this was before Randall and I began to date. Speaking of whom...


Randall and I have had a few arguments, but I think that we are still going strong. Both of us are interested in keeping a strong relationship, but we are still learning the other person's quirks. The most important part of a relationship is being understanding of the other person's weaknesses and mistakes. More than anything, it means that if you really love somebody, you will have occasions where you will be annoyed with him/her. Nonetheless, if its an honest mistake, you have to be willing to forgive and forget whatever it was that made you angry. I'm learning a lot about myself from Randall. I am also feeling myself become more and more engrossed. It isn't exactly the most comforting feeling in the world. But that's enough about me personally, let's change the subject.

On appearance, health, and relationships

Why is it that makes the gay world so visually oriented? Everywhere we look pictures of gorgeous, partially nude men grabbing at one another, grace our vision (Specifically, check out your local Abercrombie and Fitch if you don't believe me). Yet nobody thinks to question this situation, or those who do are generally the victims of this intense visualism. <Now comes an awkward aspect of this article...how to explain that I am not a victim of this visualism, and yet not sound obnoxious and full of myself?> I'm not a victim of this visualism (not saying that I'm Adonis, but I don't have trouble finding people who are willing to sink to dating me). <did that work?> Well anyway, I think it sucks.

Why is appearance important? Well, if I said that looks didn't matter to me, I'd not only be lying, I'd be making myself look like a freaking saint and a jackass at the same time! Looks are very important. They are immensely important. But, it's important that it only be trivial. Huh? Right. That's the problem. Looks are important, and I admit it, but they shouldn't be.

A really good friend of mine is having a hard time finding a nice decent guy to date. The main reason is that he's not a typical "cute" pretty boy that our society has designed as the epitome of attractiveness for *us*. He's a really handsome guy, tall and gangly. My neighbor would kill to have him straight <well she would have, but she got a man now...>. What is it about girlishly cute boys striking our fancy? (Leonardo DiCaprio for example...who I've heard has been hitting a gay bar in LA. Well, there are multiple sources, one of whom is Hazel.)

Lets analyze. You have a boy who's a pretty boy. Advantages: He's got great hair, and knows it so he pays continuous attention to it. He looks good, and knows it, so he primps. Okay, well with advantages like that who needs disadvantages? Well here's a big one: He won't necessarily be that interested in chasing you, because he'll know he can find somebody else cuter without difficulty. Yes, yes, I know, BEFORE you write me angry e-mail about your great pretty boy boyfriend, this totally eliminates any human aspect to the person. Hence, I fall into a similar problem that I'm accusing our society of having. But it does point out an aspect of our culture <if faulty and extremely> which is a major flaw.

What's important. Health. I find it immensely more important, no matter how attractive a kid is, that (s)he be HEALTHY. I thought I could deal with dating a smoker. I can't. I used to smoke, I know what it does to the body <admittedly I do light up on rare occasion>. There's are large subcultures of queer ravers, queer druggies, and general queer smegheads.

Generally, a lot of gay kids fall in and get involved with LSD, cigarettes, and pot. Granted that that is a large problem in mainstream culture, it's an important and significant problem in queer culture. And that makes it our problem. Yeah I know people who dropped acid when they were younger and aren't affected now. Well, that's bullshit. I'm sorry to point out the fact that the human brain is a very, very delicate instrument. I mean would you start dumping cans of coke on the motherboard of your computer? Sure if MIGHT work fine after you are done with it...for a while. Y'all got that one because if you are reading this you probably care about your computer. Now why wouldn't you care about your brains too?

To me, if a person doesn't care about his or her health, there is no way (s)he could really care about me. Yeah, I know there would be something, but realistically, if the person I love is killing him/herself, then they can't possibly love me very much, can they?

Relationships have to be based on Trust, Love, and Life. None of those can be eliminated for a healthy relationship to exist.

For me it always comes down to Truth. Every time I seriously consider a matter it reduces down to truth in one way or another. It's sort of funny, since even though I readily profess that the only real religion I can be said to have is that of Truth, I don't always realize how much it affects (salutary and adversely) me and the way I think.

My Friend:

Well I met a friend of mine who first contacted me through Oasis. I know he reads this, so perhaps its not entirely wise to write this, but OH WELL! We have so much in common that it seems like a strange sort of solidarity that was immediately established between the two of us. Both of us are Eagle scouts <well he will be after his Board of review>, he just turned 18 <2 days after I turned 19>, we had a great conversation, it was his birthday, and well...I was very attracted to him. This was the sole negative aspect of our meeting. I don't even know if it's a negative aspect, it is simply an aspect. I know that I wouldn't have done anything about the attraction...but I was sort of surprised to even find myself contemplating kissing him goodnight. Anyway, nothing happened, and now he has a guy himself.

Documentary films at UC:

This quarter DOC films has a gay and lesbian series every week on Tuesday nights. I saw Boys Life 2 tonight. It consists of 4 short films, 3 of which are really good, and the fourth simply weird (I'm not speaking about them in any order).

Yet another month has come and gone. I've tried to make this issue less of a diary entry than the others. I hope people approve. But if you don't, or if you do, PLEASE write me at soulseer@cyberdude.com . I always reply mail, although it might occasionally take me a while. <P.S. If you are at the UC, I definitely want to hear from you.> Thanks for your time this month, and enjoy May. SPRING YIPPEE!

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