Fender Bender

May 1998

I tried to think of a witty title but I couldn't

Hidy Ho all out there, it's the fag from haggis land (Scotland). How are you all my friends? Well? Happy? Sad? -- whatever you may be, HELLO.

If all goes to plan (and it so rarely does) you should be reading this in May. I'm writing this column in March because in April, apart from on the 19th it being my Birthday, I will be doing intensive, last minute, desperately needed, and generally emergency revision for my final exams in May. I have started revising but history was just getting too exciting! So I had to stop and calm my self down because the 1917 October/November revolution was just too much form me to take. Fortunately Oasis's gleaming ray of hope and happiness got my eye and I decided to write my column now so it won't be too topical to anything in my life at the time but never mind.

Well, last month, I made a fool of myself announcing to the world that I am head over heels with A. It's quite pointless really, nothing has or will ever happen between us. The whole fancying another male thing, at times, seems pointless. You sit next to someone on a bus or train and think "God, he rates highly on the shag-o-meter" or "I wonder if he's bent." I can't stop myself from thinking like that even though I know he is more likely to be the Pope than gay, and even if he was he would never fancy a 16 year old spotty freak (Just look at my picture, mind you the acne is getting better!).

Now, to totally change the subject. It is totally amazing, someone who is straight knows I'm gay. It's quite a long story so I hope you are sitting comfortably.

Back in early February , I decided that I needed someone to talk to who knew I was bent. It's hard to explain why I felt this way, I think I was like a shaken bottle of fizzy drink about to pop its lid. I put my family out of the picture immediately. I didn't and still don't like the idea of them knowing I'm a fag. Also any male person I know would never speak to me again and he would tell everyone and I'd be killed. To look on the bright side, I might manage to survive after six months in Intensive Care. Who I told was going to have to be a girl. I have a lot of girl friends (I'm not bi, there just friends who are girls) and I like them more then most of the guys I know. I was and still am very good friends with S, I knew she was totally OK with fags. I wrote an E-Mail asking how much I could trust her. She wrote back telling me she wouldn't tell anyone what I had to tell her.

It was at this point that I realised how difficult coming out was. I now knew what all the difficulty in finding the words to simply say or write to someone "I am gay". I tried to type this in an E-Mail but I just couldn't do so. I was too scared of what might happen if she found out, what if she wasn't OK with queers? What if she told her friends? What would I do? I was, looking back on it, getting over-paranoid. Well you can hardly blame me! I made some pathetic excuse which she didn't buy. It was at this point that I was cut off from the net by my evil dad.(for future reference, my whole family is evil)

Because I was cut off, I could only E-Mail about four times a month. She, who may read this, kept pestering me at school. I mean really pestering. She, like me, has an incurable thirst for gossip. She finally drove me totally mad. As a result on St. Patrick's Day, I e-mailed her this:

"You remember I got you to send an E-Mail to !@?# when I was cut off. Well we both write for a gay youth magazine"

I said I was sorry for being gay and I'd understand if she hated me. Much to my extreme surprise and happiness she was totally OK with the whole gay thing, I love her to bits, but a purely friendly love. All my sexual love is waiting for a man. I don't care if he's black, white, Jewish, Buddhist, thin, fat, sexy or not, I just wish I could have him. After all it's the filling that counts and not the icing on top.

Well, that's it for this month my lovelies. I'm off to get read for my canoeing lesion . If you liked what you just read, Thank You. If you didn't like it, well everyone has there own opinions. After all if we didn't the world would be shit dull. If you want to get in tough please do so. Write openly and freely, lets face it this is one of the few places you can be. The address is "f_bender@mailexcite.com". I'll do my best to write back!


Fender Bender

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