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Jay

May 1998

The New Guy on the Block... nah.. the Web!

Hello everyone..

I may not be the best writer here but I will try my best! (English was NOT my best class!) Anyway.. I just want to make this letter short and sweet here for a starter..

After learning of how many hits they had on here. I thought well I shall try! I think the main reason is that I wanted to write is that I am Hard of Hearing and I wanted to let other Deaf/Hard of Hearing youth and young adult know that there are Deaf/Hard of Hearing Gay guys out there!

A little bit about me...

I was born 27 years ago 2 months premature! I just tipped the scale to 2 lb. and 15oz. and I was 15 3/4" long! Due to my premature birth, my ear didn't get a chance to get it's job done! So I am Hearing Impaired. Today I am 6'1 175 lb... A Clean cut Brown hair everyday guy. I do not smoke or drink at all.. So, maybe I'm too clean?

I went to the public school here in town till I was 6th grade.. Due to my hearing and harder classes as the year went by, I was transferred to a Deaf Academy in anther town an hour away from here in 7th grade. At the time I knew some basic signs but they gave me some classes and I learned as I was with the other class mates.

It was a change for me to come from going home to my parents every night to living in a dorm with all guys from K to 12th grade every night afterschool. It was hard for me after a few weeks of school getting used to the idea of this.. I have come to this school in the past for summer school. but that was different. As time went by, things got better for me of getting used to living in a dorm where you have RULES to follow. Such as one hour of Study hour in your room every night, Supper at a set time, be in the building at a set time at night, be in bed at a time! Not 2 minutes later! But, hey I was a Good Boy so that didn't bother me too much! I only got in trouble a few times my 1st year

Here what I got in trouble for:

1) Was late for bed. only 5 minutes late! I HAD to use the can!!!

2) Didn't sign back into the building while I was off campus. *Oopps! I was swimming that night! must of had too much on my mind!*

3) Was late for Study hour. *Don't recall what I was doing then!*

4) Took the light bulb out of the Exit light. *I wanted my room dark so my room mate couldn't see that I was ... well, so he couldn't see me at night...*

So I had to pay my price for that! This all happen in my 1st year in a few weeks. So I had to be in bed a half hour earlier. (9:00 P.M.) Lost some of my "Freedom" and moved to a more supervised area of the dorm.

After my first two year in that area.. then I was in to the Semi-Independent-Living so I was "On my own".

Am I out?

Well. I am out somewhat but I didn't go to the City Hall's step and say "Hey, everyone in this city, I just wanted to let you all know that I am Gay!!" NOT!

I came out for the first time on Dec. 31st 1996 to a good Deaf friend of mine. I was going to a Deaf party with Max to help him out with the Dance, serving drinks or whatever was going on.. On our way up, we happened to be talking about friendship and friends being there for other friend that need help. I told him that I hope you will be there for me when I need you. He asked what's wrong.. I couldn't tell him.. but after awhile.. I said, "Well Max, There is something I want to tell you.. You will be the first person to know the "real" me.. I am Gay....... " My body froze!! I was waiting for him to jump out of the truck on the freeway!! or tell me to get lost! or something really bad! He was calm as always.. he signed "Jay, I love you as a brother, no matter who you are or what you are.. You are still the Jay I know over the years that we've known each other.. " then did the "I Love You" sign.. I almost cried......

I think the reason I am not really out is that when I was in Elementary school, I was told off when I looked at other guys in the bathroom. Also with my hearing impairment, I was picked on a lot about that. I had guys say "What's the matter Dumbo, can't ya hear, Jay, you can't hear because you're gay," and other stuff that made me feel small at times. So that pushed me into the closet more.

Now I am out some what.. My Parents and other family members don't know.. Well I did tell three of my cousins. Jason (13 years old) was my 1st family member I told. He joined me on a trip to keep me company on the long drive to Nebraska to visit a friend of mine that's was getting married and he was going to stay at his aunt's. On our way back home we happened to be talking about girls and he asked if I had a girlfriend. I told him that I didn't have a steady one.. I only been with one and Prom date a few that's it.. Then he asked why I don't have one.. I said. "Well, I am busy with work and other things that I do." I loved Jason a lot and I felt I had to tell him. So I did. He could not believe that I was gay. He asked a few questions like why? I didn't go into any details. In turn, he told me a few things about himself that he didn't want others to know.. (nothing to do with being gay)

I told my other two cousins and they are pretty cool about it.. Al told me that he has been into the gay bar before so it made me feel better that he has been near the gay environment.

My younger years.

Going back to my youth and thinking about when was my first time thinking about guys. Well, I do recall a lot of stuff in first grade. I had this biggest crush on this guy. (Do we call it a crush in first grade??) I always thought about sleep over with him and doing stuff.. (No. I didn't know what sex was yet) Him and I became friends. We've gone ice skating a few times.. I invited him over to my birthday party sleep over. I was able to see him in his underwear before bed and the next morning.. (No, we didn't sleep together. He slept on the bottom bunk) I just could not get my eyes off of him and I recall this day VERY clear!

This one girl I used to play with a lot across the street. She had an older brother and he was about 5 years older than I was.. I was really drawn to him. I tried to do many things with him, but I was "too young" for him. So I stuck with his sister for awhile.. One time I went over there early one morning to play and I went up to see Sue. I walked up the steps slow and easy. I just happen to see Tim drying himself off after a shower nude! I quietly stepped back down and watched him. He was facing me most of the time. I was totally turned on! Seeing his "Manly" body (He maybe 15 at the time) I was like Wow! Wished I looked like him! Sue just happen to come out of her room at the time and saw me watching Tim.. She said what are you doing? I said Nothing. Then she saw what I was watching and she said "Oh.. you saw my brother?? Well, you will be like him some day... "

Only one thing I've gotten out of hand was my uncle Jeff (a year older than me) He was staying with me on a weekend while my parents were gone. I was about 11. We were just getting ready for bed. And he was in his underwear. We were wrestling around and I was going nuts. I couldn't hold myself back. I went up behind him and pulled his underwear off! I tell you he was NOT happy about that! I thought it was great! hehehe..

Over the year in Elementary school. I would look at many of the others guys in the bathroom. Yes, a few times I was caught watching them and was told off! Oops! I did have one guy just turned around and showed me the works!! Said " Did you like this!?" I was speechless! Nothing happened. Now he is a good looking guy! So when I see him I think of that day!

Well, I could go on and on.. But I am going to stop right here!

Till next time!

Jay

If there are other Deaf/Hard of Hearing readers, please feel free to E Mail me at PR235@aol.com


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