May 1998

Hi, it's John again, for an exciting story, that I think I'll share...

Well, a while ago, in fact, about nine months ago, I decided to tell my girlfriend about being gay. I really don't know why I was deciding to share this intimate secret with her.

Well, I had prepped myself with the perfect way of telling her. My first line would be; what is your life dream? I expected her to say an answer, and that was exactly what she did say.

The time was actually nearing 10:00 p.m., and I was already supposed to be home, but, I was staying up late, swinging with my girlfriend, and we were talking about our future, until I asked her what her deepest secret was. She said that she didn't have one, then she, in return, asked me the same question. I answered slowly, "You probably already know this, but, it's been on my mind a lot lately."

I paused and she looked deep into my eyes as if I was about to confess that I loved her, but, it wasn't exactly the confession that she wanted to hear.

I buckled down and asked, "What exactly do you hope to accomplish in your lifetime?"

She thought, and looked at me and smiled, while I managed a smile, holding back the tears which were only tears of sorrow, because I think that I loved her also.

"I hope to do the basic things in life, like having a family," she answered almost in a confused tone.

"I don't think those things are simple for such a person as me," I said firmly back.

I shook from nervousness, I had never really muttered the words "I'm gay" before, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to.

"Why," she questioned, and then said, "Why couldn't we stay together until then?"

"Do you know what I'm trying to tell you? I'm hinting at a certain part of me, that I'm very confused about, and I don't know how to deal with it, but, I don't think we'll be together," I managed to say.

I wasn't sure if she was getting the point across, but maybe she was.

"I'm confused," she said.

I gripped her hand and pushed out the words and muttered, "What I'm trying to tell you, is that I'm gay, or at least I think I am."

She moved back all of the sudden and replied, "You couldn't be gay, you aren't like that."

I didn't know how to respond.....a few more words were said, and I felt as though she might comfort me, because I was practically trembling from shock of telling her, but she turned around and said something that I really don't understand.

"I thought I had found the perfect guy, and now he can't even love me back," she muttered.

"I can still love you, and in fact I do, it's just, I can't be myself when I'm all locked up inside of me." I replied in a way that I was defending myself.

I couldn't figure it out. Why was I suddenly defending myself?

"I'll never have a boyfriend again," she cried.

What? How was this situation taking this turn? Now, I was confused. I was the one who needed comfort, and it turned out that I was comforting her, and I didn't know what to expect.

I told her that we'd have to talk about this the next day, because I was beginning to be a little confused myself, and I didn't know what to say anymore.


I met her at the park on the swings and she walked slowly up to me staring at her feet.

She was carrying a piece of paper....and reading it quickly.

I looked at her, and almost felt as if I was hurting her, but I didn't know another way.

"Are you still the same way?" she asked.

"I don't know, I could be either, I'm really not sure," I said as if I was backing off my big decision.

That was all I said, and she took that as a maybe. We talked about other stuff for the rest of the time. Before she left, she said she'd promise never to tell what happened. She also said that she had a whole speech written on a notecard about her reaction, but she kept that secret also.

'Til this day, I'm not sure if she even knows about me, but we're still friends, so I'm not sure.



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