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John

May 1998

Hi, it's John again, for an exciting story, that I think I'll share...

Well, a while ago, in fact, about nine months ago, I decided to tell my girlfriend about being gay. I really don't know why I was deciding to share this intimate secret with her.

Well, I had prepped myself with the perfect way of telling her. My first line would be; what is your life dream? I expected her to say an answer, and that was exactly what she did say.

The time was actually nearing 10:00 p.m., and I was already supposed to be home, but, I was staying up late, swinging with my girlfriend, and we were talking about our future, until I asked her what her deepest secret was. She said that she didn't have one, then she, in return, asked me the same question. I answered slowly, "You probably already know this, but, it's been on my mind a lot lately."

I paused and she looked deep into my eyes as if I was about to confess that I loved her, but, it wasn't exactly the confession that she wanted to hear.

I buckled down and asked, "What exactly do you hope to accomplish in your lifetime?"

She thought, and looked at me and smiled, while I managed a smile, holding back the tears which were only tears of sorrow, because I think that I loved her also.

"I hope to do the basic things in life, like having a family," she answered almost in a confused tone.

"I don't think those things are simple for such a person as me," I said firmly back.

I shook from nervousness, I had never really muttered the words "I'm gay" before, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to.

"Why," she questioned, and then said, "Why couldn't we stay together until then?"

"Do you know what I'm trying to tell you? I'm hinting at a certain part of me, that I'm very confused about, and I don't know how to deal with it, but, I don't think we'll be together," I managed to say.

I wasn't sure if she was getting the point across, but maybe she was.

"I'm confused," she said.

I gripped her hand and pushed out the words and muttered, "What I'm trying to tell you, is that I'm gay, or at least I think I am."

She moved back all of the sudden and replied, "You couldn't be gay, you aren't like that."

I didn't know how to respond.....a few more words were said, and I felt as though she might comfort me, because I was practically trembling from shock of telling her, but she turned around and said something that I really don't understand.

"I thought I had found the perfect guy, and now he can't even love me back," she muttered.

"I can still love you, and in fact I do, it's just, I can't be myself when I'm all locked up inside of me." I replied in a way that I was defending myself.

I couldn't figure it out. Why was I suddenly defending myself?

"I'll never have a boyfriend again," she cried.

What? How was this situation taking this turn? Now, I was confused. I was the one who needed comfort, and it turned out that I was comforting her, and I didn't know what to expect.

I told her that we'd have to talk about this the next day, because I was beginning to be a little confused myself, and I didn't know what to say anymore.

THE NEXT DAY:

I met her at the park on the swings and she walked slowly up to me staring at her feet.

She was carrying a piece of paper....and reading it quickly.

I looked at her, and almost felt as if I was hurting her, but I didn't know another way.

"Are you still the same way?" she asked.

"I don't know, I could be either, I'm really not sure," I said as if I was backing off my big decision.

That was all I said, and she took that as a maybe. We talked about other stuff for the rest of the time. Before she left, she said she'd promise never to tell what happened. She also said that she had a whole speech written on a notecard about her reaction, but she kept that secret also.

'Til this day, I'm not sure if she even knows about me, but we're still friends, so I'm not sure.

Sincerely,

John
trainvn23@hotmail.com


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