May 1998

Before I begin to tell 'my story,' I should probably answer one question. Who am I? Of course this is a question that I ponder over a thousand times a day, and still have no answer to. What I do know is that I am a 15 year old female who is so confused that my mind has turned to jelly. I live in Wisconsin. (No farm jokes please. I live in an actual city!)

I guess I'll just talk about the past few months of my life. It all really began at the beginning of this school year. I finally came to terms with the fact that I liked girls. I knew deep down that I did my whole life. I mean the first person I ever kissed was a girl anyway. But I suppose you all know that same old story of denial. I even went so far as to convincing myself that maybe I just wanted attention from people. But I never told anyone so I finally dismissed that thought. My trust in all people has gone sour. My friends have dwindled away one by one, and now I'm at the point where I'm making new friends with people way across town. I told who I thought was my best friend in the world that I thought I might be gay, and she swore never to tell. I still don't really know if she did, but people question me of being bisexual behind my back constantly anyway. I guess she couldn't handle me being the way I am, so we drifted apart. I still miss her very much. She was like a sister to me.

I'm finally beginning to handle my 'situation' in a half-way decent manner. If I see the girl I'm really crushing on in the hall I'm not afraid to smile to myself and think of holding her softly in my arms. I'm still battling sexual thoughts of girls though. I'm trying to allow them into my mind, but it still makes me feel a bit strange. One of these days I know my hormones will take control and my mind will be filled with lovely thoughts anyway.

I've told all my new friends that I'm bisexual. Which I'm not sure is really true. But they seem to accept it much better, and if I decide to tell them differently it won't be such a shock. Maybe it's cowardly of me, but it's all I can handle right now. Well my sob story is done. I'd like to write happier things, but this is running long the way it is. I suppose I'll just spend the rest of the night staring into my black coffee, waiting for the sun to come up. Waiting for my questions to be answered. I'm sure many of you do the same. Which makes me realize I'm not so alone, and neither are you.


[About the Author]
©1998 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.