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Neil

May 1998

Hello again.

Back once more, I would like to say firstly thank-you to everyone who sent me mail. It has been good to read and reply to all of those messages, and a few points were brought up that I'd like to talk about. I'd also like to apologize to all those who I didn't reply to -- I deleted a batch of messages that hadn't been read by accident, and couldn't find any way to get them back. To all those people, I'd also like to say thanks.

This month, I would like to talk about what quite a few people said in their messages, along the lines of 'you were awfully young to do something like that'. I really don't want to sound rude, but I don't see a difference in wanting to die because you feel there is nothing to live for at 14 or at 40. True, many would say that at 40, you may have exhausted all possibilities for happiness, but at 14, no-one would think about that because it seems like a stupid thing. I felt like there was nothing left, so I was ready to kill myself. No, that's a lie. I didn't in my heart really want to die. I wanted to find something to live for. I wanted to die old and happy. I still do, but, when you think things are at rock-bottom, you don't stop to think about the future. You opt for the quickest, most painless and thorough method. Death.

Leading on from that subject of 'awfully young', what would happen if I went downstairs as soon as I finish writing this column, and said 'Mum, I'm gay', or 'Dad, I'm gay'. I'm trying to escape from the obvious- i.e. 'you freak' or they say 'at 16, you leave this house' or maybe our conversations never get past the necessary 'pass the salt, bring the washing down'. I'm going to work on that extremely unlikely idea that they would accept it (by accepting, I mean I can leave the room unaided and not crying). They would probably say 'you are awfully young, give it a few years', or 'you're too young to know for sure'. So patronizing, isn't it. They think that in a few years I'm suddenly going to be attracted to women. They have a vain hope that I will turn out to be 'normal' in their eyes. If I was straight, would there be any real problems about me knowing I was straight from my age? No. I'd guess that all parents would have that thought, 'maybe he/she's straight. Maybe he/she'll find a nice wife/husband and get married', even if they seem to be supportive. I know, that is taking the obvious and treating it like a revelation, but, it's a valid point. I just think it'd be nice if we could be accepted and not changed. That's what I'm going to ask Santa for this Christmas.

Oh, I forgot. I stopped believing in Santa when I was seven. Says a lot, doesn't it?

Love you all,

Neil
nknight@bigfoot.com


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