"Oasis Writers' Guild"
Do you write for Oasis? If the answer is "yes," do you want to
gain entrance to one of the most prestigious yet little-known
organizations around? That's right. The secretive Oasis Writers'
Guild. In fact, it's so secretive that many of you may have not heard
of it before. But that's okay. We're here to set things straight, so
to speak. Membership not only allows you to add "street cred" to your
writing, but it also proves that you do indeed write for Oasis.
Moreover, it comes with exclusive rights, such as handing in columns
way past the deadline.
The guild, although obscure, has had many applications from
poseurs drawn to the lure of privilege -- including the ability to
claim that they bitch to 35,000 people over the span of one
We, at the Oasis Writers' Guild, are tired of these fakers. We
want the real thing: real writers who really write for Oasis. With
this goal in mind, we've designed a quiz to filter out faulty
applicants, so only proven writers will be granted membership. Are
you a new writer for Oasis? Sorry. Although you can't get a
membership due to protocol, do return and take the quiz after writing
a few more columns. We're sure that all Oasis writers are dying for
entrance into the Oasis Writers' Guild.
HOW THE QUIZ WORKS
Just scan through the following statements, and check off the
statements that apply to you and your writing. Then, record the point
value each statement that applies to you. Afterwards, tally up your
score. If you get 20+ points, email us for a membership. It's that
- You write for Oasis each and EVERY month... (+1)
- even if you don't really have anything to say.
- You write for Oasis and basically say the same thing every
month in different words. (+4)
- For one reason or another, you have missed a month.
- And you immediately remind us about this fact in the first
paragraph of your next column. (+3)
- You're not out. (+1)
- You're not out and you intend to stay that way.
- You're not out and you're using a pseudonym (+2)
- That we don't understand (+2)
- But that's your point precisely. (+3 )
- You're out. (+1)
- You came out to your parents (+1)
- At church. (-2)
- And they freaked. (+1)
- The congregation, that is. Your parents were out cold on the
- You came out to your parents and they were totally cool about
- You told your parents that you're queer, and:
- They told you that they would love you no matter what.
- They told you that they had already known for years. (+1
- One of them says, "Surprise, honey! So am I!" (-2)
- And you're on the Jerry Springer show. (-5)
- You write columns that have a thesis, theme, and basically, a
- You write a column that is essentially 2 quality paragraphs
stretched out over 6 pages. (+3)
- You write about how that girl slapped you and how you thought
that one boy was cute and how you decided that you would have to
be true to yourself and how you were almost felt up by that
uniformed man. (+1)
- And that was just the bus ride home. (+4)
- You write what amounts to an incoherent ramble about
everything that happened to you in the past month.
- And you call it "train-of-thought" or
- And it could be titled, "The Diary of Dan Frank."
- But you are so giddy that you get published online.
- You write evocative material in your article and/or ask
pointed questions, but don't provide a means of contact. (+1
- You supply an email adress and encourage people to email you.
- Somewhere you mention "flames", "threats", or "marriage."
- You beg for email although you know you can't possibly reply
to it all. (+1)
- That's why you have a standard form reply letter ready.
GUESS THE LYRIC
- You include a song lyric somewhere in your column.
- This is your effort to appear arty. (+2)
- It's a song from a critically-acclaimed album that about 250
people bought. You of course, were one of these people.
- And you supply the name of the song and writer(s).
- Or, you expect us to guess the song lyric. (+2)
- And it's actually a song we might know (-1 )
- because MTV and VH1 plays it like there's no tomorrow.
- Or, it's the B-side to the third single from the limited
edition of the Japanese import of the CD put out by Bubba's
Basement Studio Productions. (+5 )
- You want us to guess the lyric, and to email you the answer
- Which you know we can get from searching the lyric servers on
the web. (+2 )
- If we guess correctly, we get a congratulatory note and a pat
on the head. (+3)
- You mention your friends in your columns. (+1)
- As per Oasis policy, you change their names. (+1)
- You use the string of words "Let's call him/her..."
- You name them "Christine," "Samantha," and "Danielle," and
their real names are Chris, Sam and Dan. (-2)
- You name them "Electra," "Delirium," and "Potato Boy," and
their real names are Bob, Joe, and Mike. (+1)
- And it's some big inside joke (+1)
- That you think is relevent to thousands of readers.
- You name them "Bob," "Joe," and "Mike," and their real names
are Bob, Joe and Mike. (-5)
- You use a quotation in your column. (+1)
- It's placed at the beginning of your column. (+2)
- And it has absolutely nothing to do with your column.
REFERENCE TO PAST ARTICLES
- You continue a column, story, or anecdote that you started
last month. (+1)
- You bring up events and people that will make no sense to
people who did not read your previous articles (+1)
- But you expect people to rummage through back issues of Oasis
to find out why David or whoever dumped you for Kyle or whoever.
- You write about how you tried to kill yourself.
- And instead of highlighting the positives in life you describe
how you took/were going to take/could have taken a glass of water
and a bottle of Tylenol Extra Strength (available at your local
pharmacy) before sleep (+2)
- or something equally as depressing. (+2 )
- Then you expect frightened and confused youth who log on to
Oasis for the first time to relate to you and not extract a "How
to Kill Yourself" guidebook. (+3 )
- You are straight. (-1)
- You are homosexual. (+0 )
- And your general themes in writing are "how straights are so
unfair to me," and "how I'm misunderstood by the world."
- You are bisexual. (+0)
- And your general themes in writing are "how homosexuals are so
unfair to me," and "how I'm misunderstood by the world."
- You label yourself as a non-labeller, in an attempt to appeal
to the jaded youth of ME generation. (+1)
- You're single, and your column is just one big personal ad
- which you make abundantly clear. (+1)
- You're a virgin. (-1)
- "I'm waiting until the right person comes along before I have
sex," you think (+1)
- while waiting for the bartender to mix your drink.
- You're not a virgin. (+0)
- You've had sex once. (+1)
- You've had sex multiple times, with multiple partners, of
multiple sexes, in multiple places (+2)
- which we can all read about in explicit detail in your
- And you're under 16. (+20)
Act now. Memberships will be going fast.
Ocean, 18, from Hamilton, Ontario, has a VIP membership for
Oasis Cutie of the Month: Joshua Weiss
Featured Article: http://www.oasismag.com/Issues/9708/column-weiss.html
Magazine. All Rights