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Schell

May 1998

The Power Of Goodbye

"Your heart is not open, so I must go,
The spell has been broken, I loved you so,
Freedom comes when you learn to let go,
Creation comes when you learn to say no,

You were my lesson I had to learn,
I was your fortress, you had to burn,
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't take long.....

There's nothing left to try, there's no place left to hide,
There's no greater power than the power to say goodbye.."

-- Madonna

For me, this article is going to be the hardest to write. The reason is because at this time I'm learning to let go of someone for whom my feelings ran deep. I met him in November for the first time when I first traveled to Edmonton while in my Philosophy class. I asked him for notes and the friendship began from there. He was someone who made me feel a little nervous while at the same time there was just something about him that fascinated me. He wasn't what you would consider perfect, but I saw a perfection and a sweetness in him that I wasn't sure anyone else could see. But I seemed to see it and that was all that mattered.

Our friendship grew slowly from there which included a few lunch sessions and some interesting e-mails. (my fault) Anyhow, I began to drop hints around January, after I ended a relationship with a straight friend who decided to screw me over. I found it was not fair if she was going to do what she did to me that I should stay. So I left and when he asked me if I planning on having a relationship with this person, I said there was someone else that I really, really liked. (first hint) The second hint came in a tape of music that I lent him which included Sarah McLachlan's "Sweet Surrender" as well as Robyn's "Show Me Love"(hint two). Although he knew about my straight exploits, he knew nothing about my bisexuality except when I mentioned I went to Diva's. Hint number three: I sent him an anonymous message in the Sheaf which read "The sweetness you posses is rarer than any jewel. Happy Valentines Day" He was shocked and so happy that someone actually liked him and was attracted to him. He came very close to guessing it was me, but I never let on who it was, until mid-March.....

I posted another anonymous message in the Sheaf using lyrics from Madonna's "Frozen". I wanted to drop him another note. I found out the day before that he was hired by a firm in Eastern Canada after graduation. After consulting a friend, she told me that there's no way he'd let people know if he was gay, that he was so closed minded. That crushed me, but I figured that I might as well cut my losses and just continuing to be his friend. Then a few days after I had made this decision, I e-mailed him and asked him if he wanted to do lunch. I got a scathing e-mail from him so finally, I caved in and told him. I was so upset at myself for letting my feelings grow like they did. My speculation was that he was gay or bisexual, but he was so closeted he locked himself in, built a cement wall and threw away the key. He not only chose to reject me, but he also chose to throw away a friendship as well, which hurt me the most.

Now that finals are underway, I'm trying to ignore this so I can complete my finals, but apart from November, this has been the most intense attraction I have ever had. This even outdoes my first crush last year when I began to come out. I knew I had true feelings for this person and now that he will be gone, I will really miss him. It was not necessarily his looks that caught me, it was him. His personality, his intelligence, what was within. I was in love for the first time and it felt so real. I'm trying my best to let go, and to move on. This is going to be the hardest thing to do, but the months will move on, and eventually so will I. X, I know you won't read this but I love you with all my heart. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always.

"I yearn to say good bye......."

Anyone who wants to get a hold of me can now e mail me at enigmadam@hotmail.com


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