May 1998

Ah, another bitchy column from Will...

At least this time I actually have something to bitch about.

It was January 24th that I finally did it. My mom had just signed on to AOL and was reading her mail as I passed by. I noticed she was reading the "PNO Youth Newsletter," and I immediately jumped on her. "Why are you reading my mail?! How did you get my password?! How long have you known it?!".

But the odd thing was that she wasn't reading my mail. She was reading hers. About a month beforehand, I had accidentally left myself signed on while I walked out the door to go out with some friends. Mom was scared that I was getting into drugs or something, and forwarded all my mail to her account. Somehow on her screen name, she'd signed up to get the PNO Youth Newsletter.

I sat down on the chair by the computer, shaking and crying uncontrollably. "What's wrong?" she kept asking. I couldn't say it. "Are you into drugs? Have you denied God?" I nodded no to both. "What's PNO? Just tell me, I'm going to find out anyway." I walked back to my room. She kept pleading with me to return. To talk to her. But I couldn't face her. Finally she came into my room. "What is it? You can tell me, I'll love you no matter what." And I said it. In a flash of mixed stupidity and weakness, I blurted it out. "I'm gay."

We started talking. She explained that I wasn't gay. I was misguided. That God didn't make gay people. That it was an abomination to Him. That I had been led astray by all the hype surrounded by the homosexual lifestyle.

She still hasn't recanted. Two months later, she's still trying to convince me that I may have a predisposition to being gay, but I'm not. She says that I connect with gay people because of my lack of interest in sports, or my appreciation of aesthetic activities. "I can understand why you think this. You were the only ten year old I knew who enjoyed a good cappuccino and a fine arts museum more than a baseball game." I tried telling her that I didn't label myself gay because it was something I connected with. In fact, I don't exactly connect with it. I say I'm gay because I'm attracted to other males. Not females. She says it's something I've convinced myself of. That if I try hard enough, I can change.

She's asked me to stay away from everything pro-gay. I retorted asking her to stay away from everything anti-gay. But she refuses, because "she's right." Surprise surprise this is the same woman who wanted there to be school prayer, even though not everyone agrees with her religious beliefs.

I love my mom to death. If anything ever happened to her, I'd commit suicide. But I can't agree with everything she believes in. She's still an extremely ignorant person. But I love her. And I refuse to stop.

God, will this ever end?


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