June 1998

The next column I write for Oasis will be written at home. I really don't have a definite plan about what I'm going to talk about in this column ... but then again I rarely do, and they seem to come out okay. The past month has been really lousy, and really great, and just really confusing for me. It really started because Mr. Wonderful (Randall) dumped me.


Well, okay, before I write this, I am a little worried that what I'm going to say is going to sound bitter. I am not bitter about being dumped by him. Nor am I bitter about us just being friends. I am regretful, and a part of me wishes it would come back, and another part of me knows that it won't and it can't. OK, I'm droning on, and I'm sure <if you are still reading this> you are a little interested in what happened <If not, feel free to skip to the next section>.

Okay, around our three month anniversary (on a Friday), Randall came over without calling and asked to go for a walk. I wasn't feeling quite well (I'd been really sick all week), and so I had decided to stay home and watch a movie. He said he'd "Really rather go for a walk", and I knew something was up, so I offered to just go to my room and talk. He basically said things weren't working for him, and that he thought we should break up. It's really true that you don't fully understand how much a person means to you until you loose him/her. I already thought that he meant a lot to me, I just never realized how much he could hurt me by just saying six short words. I very rarely cry, and I very very very rarely loose control of crying ... but I really just couldn't deal with him and the whole situation on top of my entire week. I basically told him to leave and that we'd talk in a week.

That week was pure unadulterated Hell. I talked to so many of my friends, and gleaned so much sympathy, that by Wednesday I was sick of myself. I was such a pathetic lump that I had to get out of the house. I was at the student center, and a friend of mine came up and asked if I wanted to go to one of the frats that has open bar on Wednesday nights. Since I wasn't really doing anything until relatively late the next day, I agreed. I went, ran into Randall and his entire group of friends ... sat with them and talked. Then, he leaves and begins to cuddle with this girl. I don't know whether it was the girl herself or the fact that she was cuddling with Randall, but I really got a horrible vibe off of her. Its strange, but some people you can just not like simply because they are who they are? Well that was this chick. I don't really mind the idea that he was meeting other people, but I did mind that A) it was her, and B) they were doing it right in front of me. That really bothered me a lot. I don't realize what a totally flighty person I can be sometimes, but I really couldn't be there anymore, and I left. As it turns out, he walked home from her place in the morning. Well, I don't think I need to say anything more on that topic. It's funny, because even as I'm writing this more than three weeks after it happened, it still pisses me off to no end!

The next night we went to the Med, a hang out really close to campus. We talked on the way there, and on the way back. We then walked to the point and talked for hours. We got home at sun-up. It was by far our best conversation. We talked about what made each other special, what made us happy about our relationship, what made us angered, Kant, the categorical imperative, parents, and life in general.

We are friends, and in a more special way than Hazel and I were ever friends. I sort of thought that I felt the same way about Randall as I did about Hazel. The truth of the matter is that Hazel had this as a potential, but he was never even close to the right person for me. Randall was very much closer to the type of person who would be right for me. I was satisfied in our relationship. The little arguments only made us closer, but ultimately he broke it off because he couldn't see putting the energy required into our relationship if it wasn't going to be forever. And he had decided before anything that it wasn't going to be forever ... and he felt too strongly for it not to be. So easiest ... best ... the right course of action for him was to cut it off. I think he's right. Things were too serious between us. I don't think he <or myself> was ready for something that incredibly strong and intense. I, personally, don't know if it was because I was his first, or because he really loved me. I know I loved him. I still do. But I also know I have to go on, and I'm fine with doing that. It isn't as if I have extinguish what I feel for him, but I do have to grow, and that involves building on top of what I am and what I have. That sounds a little strange saying it, and I don't entirely know what it entails by me saying it. I just don't know how to eradicate my emotions, nor to be honest do I want to learn. The fact that I care about Randall is special to me, we shared a lot of ourselves with each other. I certainly shared more of myself with him than I have with anybody else. I suppose that's as good a place to stop on this topic as any. Although, it is good to say that we are still good friends, we've been hanging out a lot, and there has been a little awkwardness, but all-in-all its been a lot of fun.

Moving on

Well, I was going to write about how I've tried to move on, and how I perhaps have been overly liberal with my ... play? Details are really trivial though, and I would really hate to make my column about my sexual exploits. Even though I'm not going to detail though, I have figured out a lot about my own sexuality through my recent experiences.

Me? Bisexual? What the hell does it mean?

OK, as a result of recent experiences, I've "discovered" a lot about myself. First, a beautiful body does nothing for me without a beautiful personality behind it. I've always felt attracted to males and females. There are things I love about both bodies, and either is perfectly capable of inciting interest and excitement. On the other hand, that doesn't mean that a body turns me on. For me, I'm turned on by the person I'm with. I described myself in my first article as somebody who thought gender was immaterial. At the time, I still thought that I could be interested in somebody who I didn't like/know based solely on physical characteristics. I know that sounds really shallow, but frankly I don't care. Men are shallow almost by nature right? Well, I guess some stereotypes might be a little flawed. I find that I myself can be initially interested in somebody based solely on physical characteristics, a gorgeous body moving to music on the dance floor, for example. But if there isn't something to really clench my interested, there might as well not have been the initial interest. Moreover, a gorgeous personality coupled with a less than gorgeous body can be workable while the opposite; a gorgeous body without a personality would not be. <I guess I'd better point out that I've been thinking about this for a long time, and these 'realizations' are not the product of me sleeping with everybody I could find ... in fact very little of the sort was involved ... >. That's enough dialogue on point one.

Point two: my hormones are controllable. I am physically and emotionally capable of saying "No" when I want to do something, but I know that it is for the best if I don't. I have internal control that I had never had the need to utilize, but is quite strong for those occasions when I need it.

Point three: I love to dance. I hadn't had the opportunity to discover how much I loved to dance until Summer Breeze. Which was a campus wide party with decent dance music. I danced for five hours straight, and a lot of that time was by myself. Coupled with that, I really dig ravers. I had always been intimidated by the entire group, but that was just a stupid thing that I was doing to myself. I bought into the whole, image that is woven around raves and ravers, and never really sat down and socialized. Obviously, nobody reading this (with a few exceptions) is at all familiar with the type of person I am in general, but I socialize with anybody. I've very willing to start a conversation. I sat down and for two weeks hung out in the upstairs coffee shop and just talked, getting to know people I'd never talked to.

Point four: I'm really totally comfortable with myself. I don't know when it happened, but I have become entirely comfortable with myself as a person. I really don't give a damn about what people think about me anymore. I am secure in my sexuality, and I have no problem with who knows that I like guys as well as girls. On the other hand, that's probably not entirely wise, because although my parents know ... again, I don't want to go into it ... .they don't know that a LOT of people also know. Nor do they understand how deathly serious I am when I tell them that I'm bi ... .they don't know about the people I've dated. Frankly, they are clueless and I don't want to clue them in just quite yet.

Point five: I can do whatever I want. I am really not hindered by anybody but myself. I can have sex with whomsoever I want, but I don't and I won't, because I lost my virginity to somebody I loved (and still do) and I refuse to cheapen myself by doing it again until I feel the same way about the person I'm with. When Randall broke up with me, he said that he either wanted a relationship that would grow slowly, or cheap sex. Well, I'm not into the latter. I am not a person who is into sex for the sake of sex.

Point six: I am an easy person to please. But, I am a hard person to impress. It doesn't take a lot to get me to like you. I like people based on who they are ... generally am willing to give the benefit of the doubt to anybody. I like people and therefore, you don't have to be perfect (or even close to it) to be my friend. Nor does it take a lot for me to say a girl/guy is pretty/handsome [PC: gots to love it]. It does take a lot to get me to stare. It takes a really great personality for me to really like you. I don't impress easily.

The rest of the universe:

Well, the world is falling apart while I'm sitting here. For a long time, I was the sort of person who would recycle everything and care about the environment ... as if my giving a damn would change things. I got sick of being the only one on the planet who gave a damn. I came to a huge resolution that I was a single person and I couldn't/can't do anything. The more I think about it ... OK, I confess it, I'm thinking about going Vegan. Not THAT seriously, and if I did, I would never call myself a vegan. But the more I think about my role in the universe, the more I become and eco-freak. <no offense intended to other eco-freaks>. I'm starting to get a notion to start a web site for it. It would be fun, but I don't know whether I could deal with it. It's a lot stress! Not the web site, but dealing with the fact that everybody in the world seems hellbent on ruining it! I just don't have to think about it right now ... therefore its not a problem. <sigh> Well, we'll see.

Jeff just e-mailed me demanding my article. So, I was going to write another 10 pages ... but you are saved <lucky you!>. Anyway, as always its been great having your ear/eye, and I hope this article wasn't too disappointing, but I'm trying to keep things different. I don't like being PREDICTABLE ... . sorry ... one of Randall's criticisms. Anyway, as always a really good way of getting a hold of me is E-mail, another is AOL. Informations is forthcoming: E-mail me at soulseer@cyberdude.com or IM me at <soulseer> on AOL/AIM. I have ICQ, but I detest the system, and therefore I'm not giving that out. Well, I hope everybody has a good month.

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