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Alex

June 1998

Hello...

I'd like to start with a poem that I wrote, it's called Face Of Lies. And I am out to a teacher at my high school, and I sent him my poem. He took my name off of it, and sent it to a few of the teachers and to all of the administrators. I am still waiting to see how they have reacted. Here it is:

Face Of Lies

Every morning
I wake up,
And I am myself
For a while.

Then I get dressed
With the usual garments
But I also put on
What most don't have to.

I still look the same
I appear to be normal
I even talk alike
But I'm not me.

If I was me,
Then I would be at ease
All the time
But I can't be.

It is so hard
To be my
Actual self,
Even around me.

I am praying
That you can lift
This burden off of me,
To take this mask from me.

But I'm sure,
That you are praying too,
That someone can remove
This heavy lie from us.

Could it be,
That we are meant to
Take each others
Mask away.

If we could both be,
Freed at the same time
Then we could be ourselves
Together.

Forever.

I am sure that many of you feel the same way about our "mask." I know that one teacher said that my poem should be put in the school literary magazine, of course without my name on it. I am willing and ready to come out to everyone in my school, but I want to do it the right way. My teacher, Mr. S, said what I already knew, but he reinforced it. Although I live on the East Coast, my town is very homophobic, and there is also a very high Mormon population. And due to this, we need the help of the principal to help us start a GSA, and make it so there won't be a big backlash from the community.

Now, I realize that there is going to be a backlash regardless, but if I just come out, with an in-your-face attitude, then it won't go over well. But if I, with the help of friends, and teachers, and the principal, come out slowly to the community, then people will realize that I am who I am, and there is nothing they or I can do about it. Then hopefully more gay and lesbian students will come out. But that is a far way down the road for me.

For those of you who have been reading my columns on a regular basis, the guy that I have had my eye on for the past few months is gone. It finally got to the point where I decided that I should ask him out, and if he says no, then that it's. So I asked him out, he said no, and now I try to limit my contact with him, because I know he is gay, and that he is having some problems with coming to terms with it, and I would like to help him out, to be there for him so that he can have a shoulder to lean on and a hug when he needs one. Some might ask me why I know that he is gay and having problems, and there is no way that I can tell you that he is gay 100% actual fact, but I can tell you that my "gaydar," or as I call it, my gut-feeling, tells me he is. It's one of those things that you just know, and you don't really know why.

Another thing that is very cool actually, I am going to a fund raiser for Bread and Roses, the AIDS hospice. The cool thing is that Elton John, Christopher Reeves, and Glenn Close will be there. And there will be actors and entertainment, so I think it will be fun, and it's for a good cause.

Well, I want all of you to know, that I am more than willing to talk to ANYONE about ANYTHING, just drop me an email at Alex8069@aol.com

"I was just wondering if
You'd come along
To hold up my head when my head
won't hold on
If not I'll go
I will go alone
I'm a long way
From that fool's mistake and
now forever pay
No, run
I will run and I'll be ok
I was just wondering if
You'd come along
To hold up my head when my head
won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's
what you want
If not I'll go
I will go alone"

-- Dave Matthews
The Stone

Love, peace, rock & roll,

Alex


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