June 1998

I'm a fish

(Non official starting)

Is starting my columns with "hi" or "hello" getting a bit worn? I think so. I'll try something different!

(Official starting)

Eh-Oh, I'm a faggy tubby. No, that can't be right. Oh, yes, I remember now. Welcome (not very original but better) to my world of thoughts, opinions and trivia of no real relevance or consequence to the way our world turns. I have no real idea of what to write about this month. That explains my title, I'm just like a fish, roaming through my own aimlessness and metaphysical space. My drama teacher would like that one.

Well, what do I write about... Very little has happened since my last column. My life has become revision which has filled my empty time that I would have spent complaining about boring things and writing E-mails to people I know and love or people I don't know but love. However, I'm only talking about platonic love.

I don't know when, if ever, I will fall in love. Well, how can you. You only know when it happens. I'd like it to be like it was for Ellen and her girlfriend. I don't know if the room will part and he'll be standing there bathed in beautiful angelic light. If it is going to happen that way I wish someone would find the light switch. As some of you will know it's hard being gay, 16 and single while all those around you appear straight, 16 and not single. I have talked about my boyfriend deficiency syndrome before. However, it just seems to go on and on with no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not just looking for sex (although it would be nice), I want someone who will be there in the morning and the morning after that and so on. I know that this is way to much to ask for at 16 but at least a discreet little fumble at the back of a cinema somewhere would be nice. I better stop now, this is turning in to one big long lonely hearts column for me only. If you do wish to advertise send details to the address below. Joke.

I do know another gay guy in England but it's the same situation we'll never meet, ever, and if we did it wouldn't be on a romantic basis and if there was any sex it would be all ruined. I'm in lots of "shag and it's ruined" relationships with lots of girls so I don't need to worry about that, do I? Everyone thinks I'm hot for all the girls. "Well, guys, sorry, you see, I'm bent" I can just see their faces now, mind you after the initial shock was over I'd have to run very fast to avoid certain death. Ah, if only for a little flippancy.

I'm sure one day I'll get a boyfriend, well, I'm not but my girlfriend, "S," is sure I will. I suppose if I ever get to a gay club I might pick someone up, unlikely but in the cheap words of the McDonald's adverts "it could happen". Mind you knowing my luck we'll be so trolleyed we'd not use a condom properly and died of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome more commonly known as AIDS. Lovely!

Well, putting my rosy future aside for one moment I will move on. By the time you read this I will have finished my standard grade exams and if you're reading this between the 22nd and the 29th I'll be enjoying a very well deserved holiday somewhere in France. I don't have a clue where I'm going so I hope the bus driver does.

The exams haven't started yet. My first is in seven days time, May 5th, it's English. Something to worry about as you can see from this column. No prizes for guessing I'm dyslexic. I do have such a joyous life: I'm gay, I'm dyslexic, I'm asthmatic, I'm single, I'm probably going to fail my exams, my whole family are evil and boring and I have no friends. I can just feel the jealousy oozing the phone lines. I'll quite happily dump all that on my olds when I'm 24, gorgeous (we can dream can't we?), and successful. I can get revenge for my miserable childhood by telling them I had one. Then they'll feel so sad. Aw, what a shame. I'll at least use my sexuality to get at someone else instead of them using it to get at me. I know it sounds mean but they treat a 16 year old like a 10 year old. I mean how am I meant to have any respect for someone who says "there might be things little boys shouldn't see at this time of night" when I watch TV past 10:30 pm. Oh how I laughed at them, oh how they shouted, oh how I walked out of a room and said "I don't want to be in the same room as someone who treats me like my shoe size". If they don't want to know I'm a queer that's fine. It's not like I have ever gone to them when I'm upset. I hardly talk to them anyway so what difference is it going to make, my dearies?

Having said that, I can only think this way when I'm really angry, like now, I know for sure that in about a day's time I will not hate them, as odd as it seems now. Just goes to show no matter how hard you try you just can't totally resent them. Well, if they throw me out because I'm queer that might change.

Bitching aside, I'll leave you now with a quote from the gay father himself, Noel (I can't get the two little dots above the O, they go all funny) Coward

"I'm not homosexual all the time. I just give them a helping hand sometimes"

You know the E-mail routine. All complaints to Fend@sylvestris.demon.co.uk. If you have E-mailed me in the last few months please do so again, I can't get in to my Excite mail box. My computer has developed a dislike for it. They just don't get on with each other. I am very sorry I didn't reply but I couldn't.

Love to you all

Fender Bender

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