June 1998

"All I Really Want"

By Jeremy (also by Alanis)

I want Taco Bell -- Yo quiero Taco Bell.

All I really want is a simple life. I want to be out to my parents. I want a boyfriend. I want romance. I want sex less than I want romance. But most of all I want a boyfriend. I want to kiss someone. I want the world to understand me. I want the world to understand queer people like me. I want my parents to understand me as an American teenager. I want my parents to understand me as a Queer teenager. I want my parents to understand American life. I want to be closer to my gay older brother. I want my gay older brother to understand me as a gay person. I want my gay older brother to understand me as a younger brother. I want to be on the cover of every magazine, crouched down with a smile, and a caption to say "Yep, I'm Gay." I want it to look just like the cover of Time with Ellen on it. I want the entire world to look at me as a good person, someone after whom people should model themselves. I want to be a pioneer Queer kid.

Okay enough of that. What I really wanted, all my life, is acceptance. For as far back as I can remember, I have always felt that I didn't belong to anything. I wasn't one of the popular kids. I wasn't playing sports like everyone else, I wasn't playing musical instruments. I was just my own person, kept to myself and kind of the loner. And oh man how knew it. I was alone. I felt it and I saw it. People walked together in their groups to which they belonged right passed me, like I wasn't there. And to them, I wasn't there. I was invisible.

Well, this year has been one of change for me. I am there now. People see me; whether they like what they see or not, I don't know. But I am being recognized. Now I want to be on the cover of a magazine. To announce to the entire world that "yep, I'm gay." I am ready for that. I don't worry about the consequences, because there are none. All I really want was to belong. Now that I am gay (as if I weren't a few years ago) I want to belong to the gay community. I want to be a prominent figurehead. I have yet to merge into this "gay" society that people are talked excitedly about. What is it? Where is it? How can I get admission? Can I belong to this "gay" society, especially since I don't belong anywhere else?

I have "been gay" since October 1996. That's a long time for me. I have grown so much in that time. I was closeted, introverted, quiet and subdued, "not there." Now I have changed, for the better. I am out of the closet, I am loud and expressive, without being obnoxious, I am there and people acknowledge me. I am out to the entire world, except not out to the people to whom it would matter the most: my parents.

I want my real dad to choose me over his southern Baptist religion. He says he loves me and all, but he doesn't know that I am gay. Will that change once I tell him? Will I be a different person once I tell him? Actually people shouldn't have to choose between their religion and their children. If they are forced into a situation like that, then what kind of shitty religion is that? I don't want my dad to wait for the "official religion stamp of approval" of gay people. I don't want him to wait for the green light that his pastor gives, to go ahead and love his gay sons. I am a person, not a product of some chemistry lab, that needs approval of some sort. New medicines need approval from the FDA. New bills need approval from congress and the senate.

I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT SOMETHING NEW. I am gay, for crying out loud. I am not some new "thing". I am a person: I am Jeremy, I have been Jeremy. The stamp of approval should have been given upon my coming out of my mother's womb. Not now. The stamp of approval should have been given automatically. And more importantly, the stamp should have been given, not granted. Not loaned. Not earned. I want to write as a contributor for Oasis Magazine. I want people to hear my point of view. I want to hear other people's points of view. I want to know queer people. I want to meet people. I want lots of friends. And I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend. Okay, so I do want sex. I want sex. I want to be able to openly admit that. The desire for sex with a male is my whole sexuality. I want to celebrate my sexuality. I want to be world famous. I want to be a role model for younger people. I want to show older people that queer is okay. Maybe they want to show me that straight is the way to be. Well I think that queer is the way to be FOR ME. Not for everyone else. FOR ME. I want to let people know that if they are straight, it's okay. they are not alone in the world. they will find other straight people, just like them. I want to go to sleep.


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