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Nick

June 1998

I write this article with an air of uncertainty, the same air that has traveled with me for many years. I am, in my mind, without a doubt, gay.. and while I hate admitting it, and many times I deny it, it's always there in my mind, as if I was born to be gay.

I'm thirteen years old and from Texas, and my life would seem, from an external view, very easy and laid back. My lifestyle, due to family finances, has been easy going and carefree, as far as chores and work and getting to eat at restaurants every night. My only true problems have been working with other people.

Generally I'm a nice guy, but I'm easily influenced by others and am extremely gullible to new friends. I had been at private school for most of my life, and just recently (about a year and a half ago) I went to the public school system in this gifted and talented program.

The private school corrupted me socially -- I was very outgoing, especially around first and second grade, which is when I discovered my acting talents. In third grade, I suddenly became different. I didn't share the same views as they did, I didn't like the same things the other kids liked, and then my class soon found out that I was easy to insult and humiliate because I didn't know how to respond to it.

From fourth grade on, my personality declined and my only relief came in plays and other uses of theater where there were people like me and people who enjoyed what I enjoyed. School, however, kept getting worse and soon I found myself a very quiet person and easily embarrassed and my true self hidden within me.

The depression came in sixth and seventh grade, and the second half of that year I went into public school. The kids there were different -- the races were no longer homogenous, the kids were rude, loud, and hated me even worse for being short (I'm a year younger than my peers) and fat.

Now that you have an overview of my childhood, I will share the experiences that I feel have affected my sexuality, and how my sexuality has deeply affected me socially. It's hard writing some of these things, but I'm confident getting them off my chest will help in more ways than one, and perhaps help others who read this and identify with what I've been through because you've probably been through the same.. or worse.

Best wishes,

Nick
Fleetnick@aol.com


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