June 1998

This month I'm going to talk a little bit about the therapy I'm going through and why I'm confused about my sexuality.

Right now, I'm going to three therapy sessions a week, one with a psychologist where I can discuss anything I want, another with a grief counselor, and the third is a group session for sexually abused kids. Believe me, it gets to be a total pain in the butt having to have three evenings a week taken up like this, but if I didn't think it was worth it I wouldn't be doing it, although sometimes it just seems like I'm going nowhere with it.

While I was in the hospital after being raped, a woman from the rape crisis center came in and talked with me for a long time and that at least made things a little bit easier for me, but not much. I just wanted it not to have happened and all I really wanted was to go home, but when what had happened to me really sank in I was glad that she was there for me.

After I was out of the hospital, I was put into therapy right away and at first I had to have been the most impossible patient ever. There were times when my dad had to literally drag me into the office, and then he'd have to watch the door because I'd keep trying to get out of there! I think once what I was being told started to make sense to me then I was able to get something out of the therapy, but you can't be helped too much until you start to at least accept some of what your therapist is saying to you, and it didn't help that I was a real stubborn kid then. Now I look forward to the sessions but like I said before it can be a real drag, especially if I have to miss out of doing something with my friends.

When my mom was killed I wasn't given much counseling at all, it was almost like nobody felt that I needed it and that was a big mistake. I had so many problems but I think my dad was so numb after what happened that he just didn't see how bad I was emotionally. I'm not mad at him about that, because it's hard to be mad at your only parent, but sometimes I wonder if some of the pain I feel now could have been prevented by seeing a psychologist back then? Who knows.

The grief counseling is totally helping me because there's so many things I needed to deal with a few years ago that are now coming up, and I suppose it's like learning to swim for the first time when you're 50, you'd probably think: Why didn't I learn this sooner? It helps a little that I'm older and can put things into a different perspective, but sometimes the pain's so bad that all I do is cry. My grief counselor probably has some kind of deal to get tissues at a good price because I sure use enough of them!

One of the toughest things for me to deal with is Mother's Day, I mean that is like the biggest insult to anyone that doesn't have a mom anymore. It's a nice idea but when something doesn't apply to you it just seems stupid, like a person that isn't Christian having to deal with all of the Christmas holiday hoopla. This time around I didn't even want to get out of bed and I ended up sleeping almost the whole day. If you're in my shoes that probably makes perfect sense?

The toughest session for me to go to is the group one, although there are times when I can't wait to get there if I have something really big to discuss. The group I attend is for boys and it's so damn sad to know that there are other kids like me going through the same thing but it also helps to just sit there and know that at least when you say something that the others understand you. There's some much strong emotions in there that when your done you just feel totally drained but at the same time relieved. My dad goes to a bookstore during the session so he doesn't have to wait for me and when he comes back for me sometimes I just sit in the car and bawl my head off before we even leave the parking lot, and other times I'm so drained that I'm asleep before I get home. I love that my dad doesn't ask me anything about these sessions other than asking if everything went alright, and I'm not sure if I can deal with telling him exactly how I feel? He's also in therapy so why should I give him more stress?

I've become close friends with two of the guys that are in the joint session and I think that it helps us because we know that we have that one thing in common, but we hardly ever discuss what happened to us outside of the session. It's almost like we don't have to because we know about each other but it still is great to know that I can go to them if I need some help.

* * *

Since I was raped tons of strange feelings have been going through me, and probably the toughest for me to cope with is the fact that I'm so unsure about my sexuality. I know lots of you must think it's totally horrible that I did stuff with my cousin, but all my therapists have told me that it's real normal for guys to do that stuff around that age and that I shouldn't feel too bad about it. Huh, easy for them to say! I've felt real guilty about doing that stuff because it's like "that's my cousin, and cousins don't do that together." I've even thought at times that being raped was a punishment for messing around with P.J., but he doesn't seem to think so. I'm just lost about that one.

I mean, I don't really ever think about guys, in fact I think I do everything possible NOT to think about them, but just about every night I have the same dream of me having sex with a different guy, and I sometimes wake up to a wet bed. It sucks so bad, because when I'm awake I'm this straight guy and at night I turn queer. . . I just can't stand that. I've had chances to mess around with other guys but it just doesn't interest me, but while I'm asleep I'm become so fruity. Nobody's ever explained that one to me, and I don't think there's going to be any easy answers for me.

I just wish this nightmare would end!!!


[About the Author]
©1998 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.