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weelittlej

June 1998

Please, have a seat, make yourself at home. I'd offer you a cup of coffee, but to be honest, I don't know how to work the machine. Tea? Alright, then. Now that we're comfortable, let me introduce myself. My name is weelittlej, and I'm an 18 girl who will probably never be rich or famous. I made it through my first year of university having changed my intended major far more than the directed, well-mannered girl my parents had hoped to raise would, and for the first time in my life, I'm caring very little about my sexuality. Yup, it appears that I'm queer.

You see, this is a big deal for me. Most people here at Oasis have had to deal with sexuality issues for several years, and it's a tough route. I had no clue what was going on with me for a long, long time... I have no interest in guys, so does that make me gay, or some kind of asexual freak? I was okay with the asexual freak label for a long time. It was a lot easier than believing I was gay.

I mean, how could I be gay? I was pretty normal, despite the lack of teen idol posters on my walls. I liked the outdoors, wanted to go to university, could suck back on a slurpee with the best of them, and had pretty normal hobbies and pastimes. Gay people hung out in sleazy clubs and kidnapped children right? Didn't lesbians all shave their heads and get tattoos?

As I grew older, I started to notice something different about myself. I wasn't so attracted to women as I was (no offense here to anyone) repulsed by men. You know the reaction you get from most straight guys when you start taking about them having sex with other guys? Well that's the reaction you'd be getting from me too (Eww! He wants to put his what in my where?!). Still not a huge problem. But then I, like every sexual late bloomer, began having those fateful feelings of sexual longing...

So how do you reconcile that? Not wanting members of the opposite sex, but, well, wanting a sexual relationship? I could no longer consider myself asexual.

Being the scientific-minded young woman that I was, I decided to try a few experiments. Screw what society thought, I was going to find out if I was queer. No, I didn't start sleeping around, I wasn't that ambitious/morally degenerate, I just started looking at girls more carefully. Soon enough, I started to think girls were cute, you know, in that third grader kind of way. Sure, I was sixteen, but I already told you I was a late bloomer. I wasn't all that sexually attracted to them, but they didn't have penises, and that was definitely in their favor.

I also started to realize that all around me were perfectly normal, un-perverted, tattoo-less homosexuals. They were my teachers, community leaders, and even friends. I began to think that I might just be normal enough to be gay.

Now that I look back at my little life, I see a lot of signs that I was queer, but I never understood what they meant at the time. But now that I am just beginning a relationship with a wonderful woman, and at the same time, I am beginning to come to terms with who I am. I am starting to realize that I am not a label, I am not statistic, and I am not an image. I am a person, as complex and as worthy as anyone else. I am comfortable falling in love with a woman. I am weelittlej, and it's been a pleasure introducing myself to you.

weelittlej is an 18 year old student-without-a-cause in Canada. She's a writer, a reader, a spaghetti-o eater and is sort of little. She lives by herself, unless you count the cats (which she does) and the fish (which she doesn't). The fish tank is by far the cleanest part of her apartment.


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