I'm still cringing inside. I'm still feeling dread, wanting to tell everything, but frightened of the results. I still feel alone.
But not so much anymore.
To those of you who read my columns from month to month, I'd like to let you know that, before a few days ago, you knew more about my private life than anyone. I take my cues from some famous people that I admire, and I hold nothing back. I'll tell you anything about my life if you really want to know. However, there are exceptions to that rule. Namely, my parents.
And now that isn't happening anymore.
I had a fight with my parents a few days ago. It happens. Especially when I want to get out of here, but don't want to work to that end. I just keep hoping that I'll get paid for being me. So my parents asked me to do some chores, I refused, and we started fighting.
Fight fight fight, blah blah blah, yada yada yada. Then I started screaming about how they don't know anything about my life, how I'm alone, how they can't help me.
And naturally, they asked me to explain. So I explained to them everything I've written in Oasis that they don't know about. Jim. The blood test. The crush. I even told them that I wrote for Oasis, which they didn't know.
Of course, they accepted it, and me, with open arms. My parents aren't that bad, really. They're actually pretty good. But they made a valid point to me about what I've done. Each decision I make lately, be it to spend all my money, or do things behind their backs, hurts me.
I've never thought about myself as self-destructive. I mean, I don't brand myself, or get tattoos or piercings or get drunk or do drugs or anything. But it's the decisions I make that hurt me.
I don't really want to explain these decisions. It's too hard to face the truth at the moment, even when i'm just typing this out. Vocally, I used to blame the world, blame my parents, blame everything else for my problems, but my subconscious was evidently blaming myself. And now I'm starting to blame myself for all of this, and it's hard. I want to cry. I want to hurt myself more, punish myself for what I've already done. Weird, huh?
On another subject, I met a guy. Nice, smart, funny, etc. Went on a couple dates with him. He's quite wonderful, but the whole situation's confusing, because he doesn't live near me. He lives a couple thousand miles away in Virginia. I don't like him being so far away, but it can't really be helped.
I went to my sister's graduation, and saw all these people I didn't want to talk to. Not that they hurt me or anything. I just don't want to remember a lot of parts of high school. Mostly the occasions that I look back on and think "Oh my god, I can't believe I did that." I'm embarrassed.
I wish I could start over with a clean slate.
Puzzlement, love, and hate can be directed to email@example.com. I live at http://members.aol.com/agelfling