Fender Bender

July 1998

Voulez Vous, Ah Ha!!!

Well as you rejoin me for an equally twisted, and hopeful less bitchy column you join a very happy queer. He has just finished all of his exams, yes they're all done and -- probably -- failed. I don't know what the hell I'll do in the future. All plans I had required good Highers which you need good Standard Grade results so I'm a little stuffed at the moment. I suppose, since I have little to no talent I can go and work on Neighbors ( A Soap) or I could redeem myself slightly and go for Heart Break High at the very least. I'm going to join the National Youth Theatre next year hopeful so I may do even better. Who Knows? Any suggestions for possible jobs for this little queer?

You join me as ABBA plays on the tape, yes ABBA, I'm not the stereotype screaming queen. I'm not camp either. I just like a little ABBA when I'm really down which seem to be a lot at times. When I'm happy which has been more recently I am on a major Trip Hop / Hip Hop / Jazz / Indie vibe. Lovely. I really love Trip Hop, it is on a par with my love of men. Not many things get that far. I command you to buy all the Trip Hop in the world. HAHAHAH (insidious cackle)

Well, as I put my megalomaniac tendencies back in to the closet I'll move on. I though I'd write a little about Music and the Media. Yes lesbians and gay men I have a subject for once. Yea. That should, in theory, give this column some content. Oh the Joy. Mind you, that might ruin the whole thing. BooHoo. I think I'm being over emotional.

I'll discuss Music first. God, that sounds so dull, 'discuss', maybe 'mill over' is better. Yes, I'll mill over music first and I promise you it shall not be a ABBA feast. I won't even mention them. Sorry, Neil.

Men aside (that makes me sound like a tart), music is one of the things I love the most in the world. Currently I have 80 CD's, 25 singles and 55 albums. I have spent far too much on it but the style of my music is the only way I can safely express myself with out being attacked. I like it so much because I hate silence and I spend a lot of time alone so it consumes my dark silence. Also it forms part of something every human needs, identity. Our identities are often governed by our society. My music is a lot different for the music my society calls 'normal' so it is the only way I can show that my identity is different. My society's normal is Oasis, Sash, Spice Girls and All Saints. My different is Headswim, Massive attack, Morcheeba and Portishead. I'd like to add the gay part to my identity but that would be far to dangerous. I just want to show that I'm not a bloody sheep like so many others because they are too afraid to be different, and being different around here is next to impossible.

So music is my way of individualism so what part of my life does the Media make up. Well, it gives me hope. Through TV programs or News programs I can see people being accepted as gay like in 'Beautiful Thing'. Very good film. Also I'd really like to be a part of it. I'd like to be the BBCs' or ITNs' queer columnist but I'd be more likely to the 'Homosexual Correspondent' how very conservative! I hate the word 'homosexual' it sound like a disease or something undesirable. Why can't it be OK to call us Gay, we mostly are called gay but some still say homosexual. To me it's very uptight and like who ever uses it is not really OK with the whole gay thing. Is anyone? Well, I'll stop being philosophical and move on before I slay part of the worlds' gay youth population with boredom, that is assuming someone reads this.

When I'm listening to the radio and they mentioned that something gayish is coming up I'll hang around to hear it instead of going outside or doing something I'd planned. It just goes to show how desperate I am for gay knowledge, we don't get any national newspapers so I don't ever get the chance to read about anything gay. Like TV and music it is a part of society I'd like to be part of my life, that is a life away from hell. If you lived where I live you'd want to escape. The closest thing I get to gay friendly, apart form 'S', is being called queer instead of Bufty. Currently I'm de-sensitize myself to that one. I'm Faggot or Fag neutral but Bufty still gets to me.

Well, that's just about it. I can hear you crying the tears of sadness already. NOT. How very 80's. Anyway. Just two points to Make. Yes, it's boyfriend update time. The boyfriend deficiency syndrome has been some what lessened by the distractions of exams but now there finished it's getting worse. Unlike others (you know who you are) I don't seem to be getting too far. Trawling the net has had some positive outcome but problem is still not solved. Second point. Do you come to my column for light hearted parody or something serious. All opinions would be appreciated.

OK, I'm finally going. You can stop throwing the tomatoes at the monitor. Thank you to all those who said anything nice or nasty about last months column. I can now fully reply to you all. I will reply but it may not be instant and you may get a warped reply but, hey, that's just me. Oh yes, and on 5th I will have been out to myself for a year. To you it may seem not much to you but to me it's a hell of a lot.

Love to You all

Fender Bender


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