July 1998

Boo! Hope I didn't make you tinkle or anything. So it's my second column....I don't know why I bother to write. Anyway.. I'm a 15 year old female from lovely Wisconsin, and right about now I'm ready to just give up on my mother. (I'll bet many of you know what I mean without explanation.) Anyway...on with the column!

Have you ever realized how people create their own idea of a perfect world in their minds? You can see them falling deep into it when they hear or see something that they find to be wrong. I know every time I hear an immature 'friend' call something gay, my eyes slam shut and I wish to be in my peaceful world where hetero, homo, and bisexual were as simple as having blonde, brown, or black hair. Then of course I open my eyes to see the girl that I've got a major crush on. I have to limit my intense stare to a brief, innocent glance.

Though the worst part of these fantasy realms is that some of the people we care for deeply fade away into their world when we say the word homosexual or bisexual. I know nothing hurts me more than to see my own mother distance herself from me if for some reason I take an admiring look at a cute girl, or if I get really angry when I hear people gay-bashing.

I'm not about to turn this so-called column into a self-pity fest. It's already looking far too much like a complaintive entry in my journal. I suppose I'm trying to make a point, and failing quite miserably I believe. I guess I just think that these fantasy worlds we create out of fear, are both dangerous and foolish. I've found that by hiding in my 'peaceful island getaway' I only avoid dealing with all the true feeling that I have. The jealousy, the fear, even the happiness. We look up to a gay person who is so open and happy, or we wish our parents were as understanding and 'cool' as other's.

Those people are the way they are because they don't hide in that safe world they've constructed. They take every feeling, good or bad and sort them out. They find ways to express the good and bad in their own appropriate ways. That's what makes them seem so perfect to us. So I suppose I'm saying that we should all just say the hell with those worlds and begin to trust ourselves with our feelings and actions. I know you're probably thinking...what the hell is she talking about?! Is she high?! But if you really think about it, it makes sense. I hope. Well, I suppose I shall be gone now...off to hug a few trees perhaps.

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