August 1998

Hi. My name's Adrienne and I'm 15. I live in Canada. I love biology, history and sports, especially basketball. I read a lot, on anything and everything. When I grow up, I would like to be taller. I can be hyper at times and pensive at others. I love unsual and rare words. And I think I'm gay.

The last two years have been tortuous and torturous. I spent the days arguing with my parents and the nights asking the three words -- am I gay? I analyzed my life, picking over any event that would give some clue to my sexual orientation. I read anything related to homosexuality and hid the books -- sometimes too well -- for fear that my parents would notice my strange behavior and comb my room for clues. To this day I'm still confused, but it's getting clearer.

Sexual orientation for me was never something that I knew very early on. It was a hazy area. I had crushes on both girls and guys. Two years ago, I had a very intense crush on a female teacher. And I caught myself thinking what it would be like to live with a female. What I'm trying to say is that physically, I think I'm bisexual -- veering more towards girls -- but emotionally, mentally, I'm gay. The physically part is the kink, the reason why I'm still confused. Is it possible to want to be physically involved with a guy at some time, yet would rather spend the rest of my life in a relationship with a female?

When I first realized that I may be a lesbian, it was a sinking feeling, very isolated and very afraid. It's the isolation that I want to write about. My school has some of most intelligent people in the province, and some of the most narrow-minded. I know of no one in its history that have come out or even acknowledge that they're gay. Going beyond, I live in a city of one million plus, for more than 9 years. I have not yet seen two people of the same sex showing affection for each other, or even holding hands in public. I know that there are gay people in my city, I just don't know where the hell they are.

I couldn't tell my parents, who are fervently anti-gay. My brother is three years younger than me, on the brink of adolescence, and very interested in girls. I have kept my secret, to date, for 2 years and 7 months. Many times I wondered when I would crack and just have a massive unravelling. I also wondered where I could get a gun. Looking back, nothing seemed wrong on the surface. Acadamically and socially I was fine. Inside, mentally, I was a mess. Playing a lot of basketball and surfing the internet brought back some of my sanity. All the sites concerning gay youth helped a LOT.

Looking back at this, I don't have a topic. It's mainly an account of a painful period in my life, something that I had to deal with in writing. In the future, I hope I can tell it to a person who understands. As of now, I am fine. Fine is such a generic term. I mean that I no longer feel what I felt a year ago, that I play basketball not to blank my mind but for the pure joy of it. I look forward to entering grade 11 in September. My short term plans include going to a gay film festival this month. As for long term, it's open. I plan to go on to university, maybe in the States. If I meet somebody before my graduatikon, that would be great.

That's my rant.


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