Me again, I don't need to tell you who it is, you know already. If not check older issues. Now smoothly from one pointless bit of information to another. I'm ill again. I got the flu from someone in a tent in the Southern French Alps. I'll say no more.
This would have been more appropriate last month but I hadn't given it much thought then so hear it is now. 'It' is my anniversary. Not with another boy or anything so exciting. Since 5th July 1998 from 5:30 p.m. I have been out to myself for exactly a year. This is a big thing for me as I am sure it may be to others. Then again I might just be speaking out of my ar.. well you know.
Now is a time for evaluation of myself. I can now quite clearly see how I have developed mentally over the last year. It has involved six stages over 'that year'. Stage one was 'Oh my god I am gay!' I was very unclear at this stage. I was confused, it was a while until I could think clearly with out feeling guilty because I was gay and I hadn't told anyone.
Stage two was knowing full well that I was gay but trying to ignore the issue. I wasn't hoping it would go away, I knew it would not. I was hoping it would sort its self out with out me having to think about it. I wanted to wake up in the morning and the birds would be singing, I would be fully accepted and everything would be nice and rosy. HA HA.
Stage three was probably the longest, about October to February. This was when I was crying myself to sleep, feeling like shit all day, arguing with anyone, I was in general state of being totally F*%@&! Up (fill in the blanks your self). I was very screwed up. It was then that I contemplated killing myself every night, I only didn't do it because I was too scared of what was or was not after death. I was very lonely, I had no friends, nothing. I thought I'd never meet another gay person, I still haven't but I'm sure I will.
Stage four was telling someone. I know you read all these articles telling you to come out to someone and how wonderful it is and you'll be much happier. That may be but it scares the hell out of you actually telling someone. Mind you half these articles are written in relatively safe gay areas unlike my 'sweet' home land (hell in other words). Here you'd be killed for being openly gay but I have told you that before so I won't dwell on it. For the safety aspect I was in tears of fear when I wrote that e-mail to S which told her I am gay. I have never been more scared in my whole life. As it turned out all my fears were totally unfounded. Now L also knows. However, that is because S told her when she was drunk, I forgive you S. As they say, you are better off out than in. If you do want to tell someone for god's sake make sure you know they have safe view on gays and make sure you can trust them. It is really good to tell some one. I'll stop now because I'm starting to sound like what I hate.
Stage five was getting my head straight. I had to re-evaluate my whole life for what it is now, not then. I had to look at relationships, attitudes and behavior. I finally started to get some of the answers I had been seeking for years. The condensation on my window to the future had to be gone for me to see properly. The past had to be clear in my head until I could progress further. It has to be pure, clear, categorized, boxed, labeled and stored. Once that was done I the condensation was clearing. I wanted to look to the future clearly but I couldn't even think what I was going to do next. I need the support and understanding of S and Neil to get through this stage.
Stage six, where I am now, is where I can see far more clearly in to the future. I know I want to do either Theatre studies or Economics at Uni. I still need to wipe the window a bit more before I can totally see what I want. I do know I want to be gay, loved, secure and happy. The last three may have to wait but I can always be the first.
Thank you for listening, it means a lot to me. I know this has been a very sane and analytical peace, very strange, I know. Well, to those who thought I was on Prozac or E, ha. The pixies didn't help me write this column. I can be normal. Anyway, any e-mail received will be replied to. Write what you want, problems, bitching, complaint or anything. The all-listening address in "Fend@sylvestris.demon.co.uk". Any response it appreciated, I get lonely up here in Scotland.