August 1998

"The Art of Window Shopping"

OK, so I know what you're thinking...another column obsessing about his boyfriend. Nope, well sort of ... My inspiration for this column is of course my boyfriend Duke (his nickname...sounds better then "Bill") and the art of window-shopping. Consider if you will cruising, dating, and sex in terms of shopping. Window shopping of course would be cruising.

How does my boyfriend figure in to the art of cruising? Simple, we both do it...and agreed to do it since we first started dating. It was simple really, it began with our mutual crush on Leonardo DiCaprio and went from there. We just started talking one time and found ourselves telling each other that we loved each other very, very much but the fact was we still looked at other guys and had "impure" thoughts. It was just no big deal then.

But enough about my boyfriend and I, I've always hated columns where all they did was carry on about their boyfriend and how great it was to be in a relationship, so enough of that...besides I love getting fan mail...

Our biology is our own worst enemy. Certainly, our motivation is not in "propagating the species", it's a simple desire to have an evening of fantastic sex. There certainly is nothing wrong with this desire, but it can get us in to trouble when we see some totally hot guy and start thinking, "boyfriend, what boyfriend?" I'll let you on in a little secret, it's not non-stop fantastic sex with my boyfriend. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone reading this. If you're sexually active, even if it's just with yourself, you know that some evenings can be a little disappointing. Which would you rather have though? Great sex or great love? The answer really doesn't matter.

The art of window-shopping is being honest with your partner. I have no guilty feelings about lusting after another guy; not telling my boyfriend would kill me. Don't be afraid of the truth. The other side of this is that your partner should be understanding that you still have the ability to lust after someone. It's a shallow, jealous boyfriend that gets upset if you are drooling over someone else. Sleeping with them is another matter, and another column. Back to the point, 9 times out of 10 my boyfriend agrees with me and we joke that we wouldn't be upset if either of us left the other person for the object of my desire. At the same time too, we find guys for each other to lust over.

So by now I'm sure I sound like a total slut to you... The honest truth is I used to be, I went for a year with out a boyfriend or a serious date. That doesn't mean that I didn't fool around with anyone. Prior to that, I had several boyfriends who I cheated on. What was my problem? Well to be honest, part of it is immaturity and a need to "sow my oats", but I think a greater part of it was not acknowledging my lusting ways, so when the time came I was bursting out all over. Sure I still look at other guys, and of course tell my boyfriend right away. But an evening of what might or might not be fantastic sex is not worth losing my boyfriend over. Besides, what he lacks in ability, he makes up for in his willingness to try and his always being there for me. Sex is great, but love is even better. And I can sleep well at night knowing that there are no secrets between us and when I wake up in the morning he'll still be there for me. It's not him, it's not me, it's us.

So where does this leave us? Well other then a quick column, the moral of the story is that there is nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone and lusting after another person all together. It's all about what you do with that lust. Act on it and you could ruin your future with Mr. Right, deny it and you could destroy your relationship with Mr. Right. Acknowledge it and deal with the feelings appropriately (which is whatever you and your partner decide is appropriate) and your relationship will thrive, or should at least.

What about Duke and I? There's enough trust between us that I am going (by the time you read this, I will have come and gone) to Toronto without him to meet another guy, Alex, who I meet about three months ago over AOL. Duke knows that I could just as easily be dating Alex (if circumstances were a little different) as I am him; but that Duke means far more to me then rather lamely attempting to have a relationship beyond friendship with Alex.

On a final note, I think Duke and I took things a little too far when we hung around a drowning to cruise all the cute firefighters, EMTs, cops and divers. We decided that we were going to have to get a police scanner so we could make it to all the major events in the area...

Until next month...


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