August 1998

I wonder if my dad ever thought I would turn out this way. This is what I find myself thinking as I'm eating out my girlfriend. Okay, so I realize that's probably not the classiest introduction I could have come up with, but it's true. I just have this image of my dad holding a little baby me, and planning everything that I will do to make him proud, and then this image of everything I really have done shattering the former to pieces like beer bottles in a high school parking lot after the home team wins.

I'm sure I haven't been a total disappointment, I have become the son he always wanted. And I know that he wanted me to go to a sorority, I just doubt he thought I would go there to date. Yet, for all my kidding, it really does hurt, which confidentially, is the main reason that I kid. Now that I look back on everything, there were so many perfect times when I could have come out to him.

Once, I wanted to spend the night with a guy that I later found to be gay, and he said I couldn't, because it would look bad, and he wasn't going to let me mess around that easily. I just wanted to scream into the phone, "Look Dad! I'm gay and so is Neil!" but I didn't, I came home early. And one time, when I had just started high school, coming from a private school, a guy in my advisory told me I was cute. I have to admit I was ecstatic. In junior high I was hideous, and now at least someone thought I was okay. Even if it was a guy, it was a start. I told my dad with so much delight, he said that I couldn't date him. I couldn't date him? What the hell, I didn't ask to, but I was a defiant little bitch, what can I say. What do you mean I can't date him? He told me I'd get pregnant. I wanted to tell him coolly, oh, I can't get pregnant.

I had it all planned out, he'd say, oh really!? And I'd say yeah, when I have sex I don't use sperm, and then calmly walk up to my room, lock the door, and turn the music up really loud. But probably my favorite that I never did happened around the time that Ellen was getting ready to open the closet door. My dad was going on about how she would alienate a bunch of her audience, and in defense I said, well, I think everyone knows someone who's gay, don't you? I was just hoping he'd say no. I was planning on in, I'd do a clap and hand presentation thing and then gesture to myself and say, "Well you do now!!" and then do the same as before, but he said yes. So finally, we were having a fight, the whole family, about why I was tired of my status there of. I went on about how no one cared about me, or my feelings, and that I was just the therapist for everyone.

Finally, I said, you know what dad? I'm gay! I was expecting shock. I was going to hurt him even if it got me kicked out. He looked at me, said, "You're gay?" "Yeah!" "Well Jenn, you're my daughter, I love you no matter what, but let me say this..." and then he started arguing with me again. That's all it was, just a little break in the point he was going to make come hell or high water. Since then, little has changed. He's started to refer to dating as "the boy girl thing" like it's just the subliminal message I need to turn me straight. He doesn't accuse me of being pregnant quite as much. Oh, and the funny thing is that even though he wouldn't let me date a guy, he has no problem with my girlfriend spending the night every night. Which is probably why I wonder if my dad ever thought I would turn out this way as I'm eating her out.



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