August 1998

Hello again- There is always a desperate lack of something within me.. how you define it, I'm not sure.. perhaps love, perhaps understanding, perhaps trust.. maybe that is what I lack. Maybe a combination of all those things.

When I think back to all those times that I had denied I was gay, had nearly been brought to tears at the cruel and ruthless tormenting of the people who now, as much as I hate to admit it, are some of my friends, I shudder with a horrible feeling inside. But still, I don't even know who my friends are.

The air of uncertainty that I spoke of in my first column is now a thick blanket of fog, reducing my outlook on life to only the most well defined of shadows. My girl friends (not girlfriends) I can count on.. they are sturdy, well-founded structures of my relationships with other people and I can always depend on them for guidance. One of those structures is now my girlfriend... and to only add to the confusion, I love her very, very deeply... yet, my need for the love of another guy still pulses through my veins and it hurts and puzzles me day after day.

Am I bisexual? That much I know. But it's hard that way.. my attraction to girls pulls in a death-match of tug-a-war with my attraction to guys.. and I think about one side as much as I do the rest. But I'm the type of person that even once I know something for sure, I feel uncertain.

But the sad thing is, the bond between me and other guys is almost as thin and weak as it was two years ago... or is it just me thinking that? There are two of them who I believe are my friends.. a few that are just acquaintances.. and some acquaintances I feel ashamed to admit to anyone that I talk to even -- the very people I scorned and rebelled against months ago for being mean... they, however, are distancing themselves from me because I'm still advocating being nice.

I don't like going by the rules of social life... but I still want to fit in. And as high school creeps forward and the combination of fear and excitement bubbles around in my head, I wonder if things will be the same next year.. and if I'll have to readjust my whole state of mind.

Despite all of this.. I remain happy, and that's the most important thing. I'm a very positive person considering the situations I've been through.. but still, I don't like problems and I'm so much of a perfectionist that I don't rest until they're solved. Maybe I should just take some time to think.


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