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Schell

August 1998

Drowned World/Substitute For Love

"The face of you, my substitute for love,
My substitute for love,
Should I wait for you? My substitute for love...
And now I find, I've changed my mind..." Madonna

You know every time I try to point out the different flaws of the gay community, I end up almost backtracking a bit. My birthday was spent in Regina (yuck) amongst family and close friends where I finally turned 21. Believe it or not, I feel old. I know that even though I'm only in my early 20's, I still have a lifetime ahead of me. But I still can't help but feel a sense of hesitation when it comes to my accomplishments in life so far. It's been a year plus since I came out and even though I feel that so much has changed since then, it's been a reflective experience on my part. As I said in the beginning of my monthly rant, I always have to do some backtracking when it comes to my community.

During Pride Week in Saskatoon, I had just gotten home that week from Regina when I reminded myself I would be singing for the first time in a year at the variety show. It was bezerk, considering I was nervous singing in front of a select group of my friends and acquaintances. A few days before, I had not been feeling the sense of pride that I guess I was supposed to, as I seemed extremely bitter over my impending trip to Regina and being home really wasn't doing much for me. I found out that a couple of friends had just ended relationships with their partners and from there I felt a sense of sympathy considering that these different relationships were special to these people. At the variety show that night, one of my friends went up to sing "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan when one of these friends had gotten up and left during the song. When I looked at him, he was on the verge of tears. I gave him a hug and after he left felt a deep sense of peace. I realize that even though the community has its flaws, there are those certain moments, those people who seem to make a difference and make you forget what's so wrong about the gay community and focus on the good parts that are alive and well. Even though the community is not necessarily about the things we want it to be, one thing is that the community is about love and support for each other.

So yeah I've rescheduled my trip to Winnipeg and I am looking forward to finally making it out there. I've been eager to meet a couple of IRC pals from there as well as explore what's east of Yorkton (ha ha ha!) So apart from that, things are going somewhat swimmingly. Work is all right and I have plans to submit one of my short stories to XY. I'll keep you posted...

Till next month.

Schell


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