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Steve

August 1998

These are a few entries from my journal, which I recently started. I hope that this will be interesting to someone. Probably not.

May 18

Well. This is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I still don't know if I can do it. I think it will be good for me, but I need to do it regularly. I just feel that if I put these thoughts and feelings into words that they will become known to the world. I'm not ready for that.

Basically I'm confused. I have been confused for a long time. I've been confused about everything. It's not just a confusion that you get when you don't know how to work something or how to put something together. It's deep. Rooted in my very being. Because of my inner being. If I wasn't the being that I am I wouldn't have a problem. But I am, and I do. And it sucks.

Some days I just want to die and others I feel wonderful. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I drive in the car and sing out loud without a care in the world. But usually when I do, I realize that another may have seen me. Then I think about what I look like, who I am, what I am and wish I could die. Or I'll be at work just having a nice time, talking with somebody and then it will hit me like a load dropped from above. "Look at who you are! It doesn't matter how good it seems from your point of view, just think how they see you. You're a freak." Not a good freak, not the kind that people joke about, but the kind I hint at, hoping that they will see. A bonafide, outcast, freak.

And I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. But I'm too confused to know what to do. Maybe I'll figure it out someday.

May 23

Slow day. I didn't have to go to work until 1, so that let me sleep a little longer, and take a little more time getting ready for work. That was nice, except that Mom used that time to 'talk' to me. Basically bug me about all the petty things I haven't done. But she also squeezed in the question of, "Am I going to church tomorrow?" As nonchalantly as possible I told her, "If you guys are." Which brought about the barrage of questions, "Do you like our new church? Are you going to the college group or with us?" After grunting my vague answers, hoping that she wouldn't talk to me anymore and let me finish my yogurt, she asked the kicker. "Are you interested in church anymore?" Well, that was too much for me. But I couldn't let her know of the conflict I've been feeling. So as always, I just uttered a meek affirmation of my willingness to go to church.

She apparently decided she wasn't going to get anywhere with that because she changed the subject to my sister. She felt the need to tell me to be nice to her. Isn't that obvious? I'm not a total asshole. I don't know why they didn't see it coming. It was totally obvious. He went home to his parents, and was giving her any excuse he could about why he was staying. I don't know why he broke up with her. I don't really care. What bothers me now is that she is totally devastated. I'm sorry for her; it would be best if she just got over it. That's what I do. I've just told myself to get over things, to not let them affect me. They do though, but I don't let anyone know it. Aside from my usual 'blah' demeanor, which is enough to make it difficult for people tell the difference between whether I don't care, or I'm totally depressed. It's worked for this long, but I don't know if I can keep it up forever without destroying myself.

Work was especially slow today. Nothing really happened, it was just another day. I don't mind it though, even though it's another day lost. Lost to what? I don't know. I feel a potential for more, but I don't know how to use it.

I don't know. I'm going to bed.

May 25 (1:30am)

I don't know what to do. I went to Godzilla tonight with Jan. I need to tell her right out that it isn't ever going to work and that we shouldn't even try. I can't do it. Even in the midst of all my other confusion, I have a clarity about that. It drives me nuts when she touches me. Not the kind of nuts most guys go though. It really bothers me when she does it in public. It makes my skin crawl. I don't know what I would do if she was a beautiful model. I don't think it would matter though. I can recognize beauty, but I'm not attracted. Kind of like that scene in "As Good as it Gets". She's more than a friend, and I don't want to lose that. I think that's partly why I've entertained this relationship with her. Even though some of the things we've done in the past were exciting, it just never felt right.

For almost the first half-hour of the movie she had her hand on my knee. I just ignored it. I felt so mean. So rude. But what am I to do if I have to live my life in deeper misery than I already am because I feel sorry for her. I've already told her once straight out that I don't think the relationship would ever work, and several times less explicitly.

She knows why too. But she's trying to change me. It's because she thinks it's 'the devil'. Maybe it is. Maybe I am condemned to hell. At least it won't be much different than it is here on earth.

Going back earlier in the day. I went to Eric's house to watch Starship Troopers. I didn't really care what we saw, or even if we saw anything. As long as I could see him. But that's my problem. When I'm with him, I don't know what to do. I'm speechless. I feel like if I say something he might think something that I wouldn't want him to think of me. I feel like if I express an opinion for something that he doesn't share, then being the talker he is he will let me know he doesn't feel the same. When he does that it's like a sword cutting through me. It is disapproval for me, not my opinions. So I just shut up.

He asked me to come to his RPG group tonight. I would have loved to spend more time with him, even though I'm not interested in the game. Instead, I made up an excuse that The X-Files was coming on, knowing that it was a rerun I've already seen. I don't know why exactly. Self-preservation? To preserve myself from his other friends. From seeing him with people that he apparently enjoys much more than I? Maybe.

I wish I could tell him. I wish I could tell him, and that he would at least be a supportive and understanding friend. I wish that I could tell him, and that he would say he felt the same way. I've seen things in him that might say, 'Yes, he is!' He isn't though, and that will never happen. He was raised by Christian parents that have ingrained into his soul that people like me are wrong. That I need help. I do need help, but not that kind.

Someday I will tell him. No matter what it takes. I will tell him. Whatever I have to do to get to the point that I can say those words, I will tell him. With whatever response or consequence comes from letting him know, I will tell him. Even if it means that I lose him as a friend. But I'm not at that point. I have to have something to fall back on. Something for me hang on to while my world crumbles around me.

I don't know what that will be.

It almost seems insignificant now, but earlier today, in the midst of discussion it was brought up that I will someday have to be married so that I can provide my parents with grandchildren. I simply sidestepped the declaration with my usual grunt. I'm not ready for that discussion.

The mortar is beginning to loosen.

More entries will come in future months. If you feel that I am worthy of your email you can send it to idonc@hotmail.com.


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