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Sunny Phish

August 1998

Here goes, my first article. I guess I'll start off telling a little about myself. I'll try to keep this brief, I could very easily go into my entire life story, but I'll try not to. I'm a 16 year old girl and I will be entering my senior year in high school at Vermont Academy, which is a college prepratory school in Saxtons River, Vermont. I'm a day student, and I live with my mother, stepfather, and stepbrother about 25 minutes from campus (depending on how fast you drive). I'm currently not sure whether I'm truly a lesbian, or if I'm really only bi, which is how I've thought of myself for a few years now, which is exactly what I'm going to write about.

Ever since December of my freshman year, I've known that I like girls. I don't really remember how it came up, I just knew. The only person I told for a good seven or eight months was my best friend, *Julie. Well, five minutes before (or after, I don't remember which) I came out to Julie, she came out to me. For a long time, it was just our little secret, until about seven months into my relationship with *Jake. I felt bad about hiding an important part of myself from the person I was involved with, but at the same time I was afraid that it was a part of me that Jake wasn't ready to deal with. Well, turns out that Jake was just fine with it, and we broke up months later for reasons that had NOTHING to do with sexuality. Jake is still very supportive of me, and he knows it's an issue that isn't always easy for me to deal with.

Moving on. Jake and I broke up about a year and a half ago, and since then I've had maybe one or two semi-serious relationships, nothing too major. From the time Jake and I broke up until recently I've found myself more and more attracted to girls, and less attracted to guys. I think a lot of this has to do with issues that I have with men from my childhood, but that would be a novel in and of itself, so I'll save that for another article.

One day, I was talking with a friend of mine, who later became my first girlfriend, *Kim, about sexuality in a the gay teen chat room. She asked if I was truly bi, or if I was a lesbian. We talked about it for a good length of time, and I told her all about how I really like girls, and so on and on and on...eventually she told me that since I like girls so much I must be a lesbian. Seems simple enough.

So, I began labeling myself as a lesbian. Seemed like the right thing to do. I mean, I was dating a girl, and I liked dating girls, so what's the big deal? Nothing really occured to me until after Kim and I broke up, and I started going out with my current girlfriend, *Jamie.

Jamie and I have been together for about two months now. During that time we have both come out to our parents (well, I only came out to one of mine. I have 6 parents for those of you keeping track.) and our friends (all my friends knew because of a big mouth at my school, but Jamie's still in the process of coming out). And of course, I came out to Jake.

Jake was very supportive, but he said one thing that sort of hit me. He asked me if I had seen "Chasing Amy," as so many of my friends did when I told them that I'm a lesbian. Of course, I have yet to see it, and have little desire to see it. I told him this, and he just said one quote from the movie that has been gnawing at the back of my mind ever since. (mind you, this is my memory of a loose quote, so don't jump on my back about the wording) "I became a lesbian because I didn't want to cut myself off from the fact that my soulmate might be a girl, but when I did I realized that I was cutting myself off from the fact that my soulmate might be a guy."

That kind of hit me. I know I'm definitely more attracted to girls, and especially Jamie, than I am to guys, but I have a lot of fun with my guy friends. And just because I haven't had any truly good experiences with men, maybe I just haven't met the right ones. So, that's where I'm at right now. What does this all mean? I'm trying to take it all in, and until I make heads or tails of it, I'm not going to limit my options. Well, except for the fact that I'm dating Jamie, but I don't consider that LIMITING at all.

Advice? Gripes? Email me---sunny_phish@hotmail.com

*names have been changed.


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