August 1998

Introspective Reflections

I think everyone has a special place where they go when they need to think or just get away from their daily routines. It doesn't necessarily have to be a place, it can be as simple as closing your eyes and shutting out the world. When I felt the need to get away from things I go to a creek near where I live and sit on this huge boulder by the water's edge, and within minutes I feel like I've been transported to another world. I now know that this is called meditation, although I would dare to describe it as daydreaming. Whatever term you use, these mini vacations from the daily grind of life is when my introspectiveness comes to the surface.

The one thing I probably think about the most is my relationships with Anna and Eric, and what they mean to me now and how they may be a part of my life in the future. While I can see how our relationships have evolved over the last few months, it's hard for me to speculate on how they will change and grow in the future? I can already see how my relationship with Anna has gone from being boyfriend/girlfriend to something deeper, whereas physical intimacy has become emotional intimacy, to the point that a few of our friends have jokingly asked us when we're getting married!

My relationship with Eric has also grown into something equally intense, and now that we will be going to the same school we will become even closer. I will be more than his best friend, I will be his mentor as we both start our journey through high school. It's hard to predict how, or even if, our relationship will change over the next few years, but it's comforting to know that he will be there for me as well.

Probably our biggest challenge over the next few years is how we will remain lovers in an environment that does not approve of homosexuality, and if we can keep our secret from our classmates. Although I'm used to the dual worlds of openness at home and secrecy everywhere else, I wonder if our stealth affair will withstand the pressures of being in the same environment all day long?

Only time will tell.

During my introspective reflections I also wonder about what role I will have in the gay community in the future, and what contributions I may make to it? With my columns on Oasis I have given my peers and adults alike my perspective on being fourteen and bisexual, and I think that I have made a difference in how some people view kids, that we are people too and deserve to be shown respect, but I have to ask myself "Am I doing enough? ".

On Oasis, what you write is what shapes other people's opinions of you, but in the "gay" world what you look like seems to matter much more, which is something I think needs to be changed. During my time as a columnist I've heard from many people who are disenchanted with the gay society because they have been rejected by their peers for not having the "right" look, the physical <I>perfection </I>that is so desirable within the group. While I'm sure many of you have heard about how open and accepting the gay culture is, when was the last time you saw a even slightly chubby guy in XY magazine? How many of you would even consider talking to a chubby guy in a gay club?

This attitude reaches beyond gay society and into our entire culture, to the point where elementary school age girls are worried about how they look and are even dieting, and I'm sure this also affects boys. My boyfriend is so worried that he's going to be made fun of next year for being slight overweight that he's running and lifting weights almost every day, and being thin and muscular is an obsession to him. I've been working out for a while now and I'm getting stronger, but I have to wonder if people can ever be happy with themselves deep down?

You tell me.


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