September 1998

It is after only a large amount of debate that I have finally decided to write an article this month. I guess a lot more of it is not so much the present conditions, but more that there seems to be a lot more drama associated with my life right now than I want to deal with. A great example is right now I'm sitting in a doctor's office typing away, having weirdoes looking at me! Why? Well this morning the US stock market started doing its typical crap, and that forced my father to remain at his office. What does this have to do with me being in a doctor's office? Well my esteemed maternal unit decided that I was enough of her son to drive her home from the surgery she was having on her eye.

The current conversation and my current situation

Well, I'm getting sick of this doctor next to me. He's chattering away about getting pig eyes to practice laser RK surgery. Don't ask. (I could have gone into much more detail, but I think maybe I'll live to regret it if I ever have to re-read this article.) I am genuinely tired of this weird situation I'm in. Since I'm complaining so much, I am reasonably obliged to explain what I'm talking about. My parents have decided that they don't approve of me. Therefore at every opportunity they yell, scream, and punish (i.e. create a curfew or make it more strict) me. I know that had I never been away from my family, I'd have little problem with their restrictions. But, I have been at school and had a reasonable measure of freedom, and more importantly I have thrived without their interference in my life. They have a more damaging effect on my psyche than anything I've got to deal with does.

I'm re-reading the above paragraph and I know that it sounds as if I'm exaggerating the impact of my parents. Unfortunately I'm not. Parents have a greater impact on the minds of their children than anybody else in their lives. The main reason is that with parents many of your natural guards are down, and therefore things that they say, coming from another person, hurt a lot more.

Moreover, I seem to have lost any and all privileges associated with being their son. They try to treat me as if I'm just another stranger who happens to be living in their house. The exceptions are that they reserve the right to yell and scream at me for every little thing, and that I'm conveniently reinitiated into their family the second that they require my assistance (like with my mother's office computers stop working because my dad doesn't know a hard drive from a floppy disk). It's a strange sort of hypocrisy.


Despite my complaints, thing have gotten better. Basically I'm not lying to them anymore. I might not tell them everything, but I'm not lying about what I do and whom I do it with. Part of what makes that easier to manage is the fact that I'm not really doing anything with anybody. (Oh, what about Ranger? Well I'll get to that in a future section). I'm going clubbing at a gay club, well it's sort of a gay club (it's one of the few 18+, so just about every gay kid ends up there at some point, but that doesn't preclude the handful of heteros that come there because it's often got the best dance music). <<Long parentheticals...I'm sorry>>. I still hang around with the same fags. It doesn't change who and what I am for a second. The fact that they realize that that isn't changing is a major step in the right direction as far as I'm concerned.

Having them finally realize their own impotency is what I'm really trying to get. I want ... no I need them to understand that they are not going to be able to change who and what I am. Their only hope is to work with me. I find it really disturbing that after so many years of knowing me and knowing what is going to entrench me further, they still insist on the same illogical behavior.

Specifically, they would get the best results from me, with minimum resistance and resentment if they just left me to do what I wanted and just SAID what they would like me to do. I am a pathetically agreeable sort, and would almost always do whatever they wanted me to do. The ends might be the same, but by commanding me to do something, you curtail my right to make my own decisions and thereby create resentment. Trying a similar tactic on my brother would invariably fail, but on me it tends to be rather effective.


There was a section typed out under here including all sorts of financial data...but I am positive that is of very little interest to you. Although it would be nice to say that reader interest was the primary motivation for deleting it, I would be lying. I got kicked out again. It was a relatively recent incident, as of Saturday, August 29, 1998. I am writing this on the ultimate deadline, but I thought it would be best to write it anyway.

Right now school doesn't look like its going to happen for at least another few years. If you have read any of my articles concerning my education, you probably know how much that sucks for me. Right now the primary function in my life is to get a job that's going to support me and allow me to save some money too. I'm working at a grocery store, but that is hardly adequate to live on (it's also on the other side of town from where my friend lives). A significant element of living in Houston is getting a car (and paying for it). I am also going to look into the Peace Corps, which, if it pays for my living expenses and I get the chance to do service and burn a couple of years: HEY that sounds really good right now. I am perfectly capable of living on very little...in fact I rather enjoy it (provided it's not in the city). Well scratch that idea, they want you to have a BA. I'll write them E-mail and see what they say.

I'm also (perhaps more reasonably) looking at a couple of computer firms, who might be willing/desperate enough to hire me. After something a little more secure in terms of a job is done, the next item on the agenda is a car, and then I'll worry about another place to live. Perhaps the living arrangements will need to be addressed before the car (especially if I can find a job and an apartment along a bus route). Overall, I'm going to try and figure things out as they come up. I am going to grit my teeth and bear relying on Alison for everything again. Well Alison and Pretender (which is a silly name I know, but think of the show...).


I have a new friend! Wow, cool huh? Yes, he's gay. Is he my boyfriend? Well I think it's a possibility. (Oh yeah, about Ranger...he didn't want to pursue anything at the current time. He felt that thing had the potential to become more serious than he could deal with, and therefore it was better to let it go for right now. I don't have a problem with just being his friend.) There's little more apart from the fact that he's a great guy and exceedingly shy. He's working, but staying with family on the other side of town.


I haven't written much this month. It is after all my one-year anniversary, and I thought it would be bad form to not write this month. I hope Jeff isn't too stressed and has time to put this column in. I hope reading about what I'm dealing with makes every single person who reads this feel just a little bit better about their own situation (which therefore means that my life sucks the worst...because I'd hate to know of anybody who's worse off than me.). I am actually slightly optimistic about my future. After all, I've been here before and I made it through all right...second time around maybe things will work out. Bottom line is that I know I'm going to get through this, even if its going to suck getting there. Write me at soulseer@cyberdude.com if you have any comments or know of any jobs that pay enough money to support my sorry rear end. I hope everybody has a good time back in school, and more than anything I hope you have the strength to get through the shit everybody tries to pile on top of you.




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