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Fender Bender

September 1998

Well, what can I say - You like me you really like me. Ladies and Gentlemen you have just read the result of the really nice e-mails you lovely people have been sending to me. Thank you for falsely boosting my ego. I know my writing will never change anything or be written about but it keeps me going. However, I must not become complacent and start writing crap, oh no. Please keep your arms inside the cart at all times wile I take you on a ride throughout my quaint little world.

So after that don't expect too much, I have peaked for this column.

To keep the soap opera-esqueness of my ramblings I'll start with a quick life update. I am still a sixteen-year-old, gay, open minded, gay, white, male. I went to the queer doctor with the hope of a cure for the lack of a man in my life but sadly all his wigs, fake bobs, ABBA, darlings and pink feather boas could do nothing to help my cause. If any of you have a miracle cure do tell me (copyright remains with writer but I reserve all right to publish as I wish and blab blab). Men aside, I got my exam results and -- obviously due to some wonderful computer error -- I didn't do too badly at all. That put me on a high for about five minuets and then a saw a happy couple in TV and I sank back into my darkness, damn them. I know I said I was happy last month and I am just some things make me sad.

For those who detest romantic idealism should look away until further notice. All gone? good. I'll begin. Oh, sorry, missed you there. Now I am starting. Sadly I can't get it out of my head. It had put some super glue on its arse and firmly sat down in my oddly shaped head. 'IT', not being sex this time (must really need the queer doc.) I may add. 'IT' manifests itself in the form of LOVE. A painful subject for some, like myself, since everyone seems to have it apart from me (boo-hoo). I don't want to sound like I'm absiling a one way rope freely in to my on self-pity so please forgive me if it does.

The word boyfriend to me is like that guy out if the VR Trooper who is always searching for his dad, I never quite get there and always end up talking to myself alone in some weird place. I am always searching and possibly climbing the ladder of happiness as I get happier with myself. Since I started looking I have developed as a person in some ways. On the good side I am a bit more confident in myself and I can handle the gay thing like it's not a big issue. In that sense I have reached the mental status of a straight person who is desperately searching for someone. We both can understand and cope with out sexuality. On the down side my sense of loneliness has been heightened greatly. No matter what situation I am in I feel alone. It just takes on trivial thing and I am depressed for the rest of the day.

Whenever anyone says the word boy or girl friend it's like being slapped awake. It's a rude awakening to the fact that I am different form the 'normal' which isn't normal. I am -- in the eyes of society -- an evil, filthy and immoral being. I know full well I'm not but others think differently. I'm not saying that it's bad being gay or I don't like it, I have met some really nice people because of it. I just tend to see to worst of a not so good situation. However, I have learnt how to dream.

I dream that when I open my e-mails and there will be one from him, he'll be there just down the road. Or maybe I'll get a phone call or he'll declare his love for me in the street. I don't have a he or him in mind it's just who ever when ever. I believe in love at first sight, I have to so I have some hope. So, I'm a romantic, sue me!

IT'S SAFE. I'm stopping now, all you anti-romantics can look back now.

Now I must come crashing out of my fairy tale and land hard on the cement of society. I'll be off now to get ready to go back to school tomorrow. AAAHHHHH. If you want to send me e-mails saying anything please do so, the address is 'Fend@sylvestris.demon.co.uk'. I'll reply, promise, and to the one or two who I haven't replied to sorry, the e-mail will not send. Sorry. All be happy bunnies now, you're not young forever.

Fend


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