Troy N. Diggs

September 1998

OK, for the first time in a little while, I'm wanting to write about something serious because I figure it's the best way to get some of this stuff off my mind.

To make a long story short, I've been really depressed the last few days. For me, that's more of an unusual thing than it is usual. This time, it's different.

I sat in the office at work and actually contemplated suicide. I hadn't done that in years; the last time was when I left Lyon back in '95. After that part of my life, I thought I was clear and full steam ahead to... well, whatever.

But lately, things have been getting to me. The fact that I still have yet to find a true love just yet is a big factor in that. Add the weight of some other miscellaneous personal problems, mix in a dash of stress from work, throw in a sprinkle of paprika, and bingo, you've got a recipe for an unhealthy situation.

Simply put, I don't know how to make myself happy. I know I focus on what others think of me too much, but my top priority is to make myself happy. It never seems like I'm satisfied. I don't feel fulfilled at all, and I don't know why... and the sad part is that I'm the only person around who can answer that question.

So, as I sat in the office, I thought, "gee, what would happen if I stopped by Wal-Mart after work, bought a box of sleeping pills, and took them all before I went to bed?" Usually, if I think something like that, I laugh inside about it and refocus. Tonight, the refocus wasn't there, and the thoughts stuck around. I caught myself, finally, but the fact that I dwelled on it and it took me a little while to regain perspective was definitely not a good sign.

My best friend and I talked about it last night, and his advice was not to worry about it, and you know, 99% of the time, my personal problems don't bother me at all. The 1% hits me really hard, and when it does, I feel like somebody hitting a punching bag: if you hit it hard enough and often enough, it breaks.

I'm fine now, although highly confused. I just want to go out and enjoy myself and my life, and I can't. It feels like something inside of me is holding me back, and I don't know what it is. I wish I did, so at least I could try to get it the fuck out of my way on the road of life. For now.... God, I don't know.

Drop me a line at TDiggs@aztec.astate.edu, or visit my Web page at http://www.geocities.com/~tdiggs/

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