September 1998

Reflections On Summer Hopes And Dreams For School

Here debuts the second column in my writing career.

I was sitting here tonight wondering where the 37 people on my buddy list could be, hoping for one very special gal to show up so I could tell her one more time how beautiful she is, wondering if instead I'd meet her mother, another friend, or perhaps a complete stranger.

As the final days of summer fade away, I find myself enjoying the night sounds even more, the warm starlit nights, a gentle breeze. I think back to all the summer has meant to me. It has been the start of my first relationship. I'm learning what it means to go slow, how to not rush things, especially when you live three hours away -- believe me temptation is tough. As Rita Mae Brown would say, "Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself."

I've learned the values of communication, of sensitivity, of true love. I think by now the entire family on my father's side has been clued in to my sexual orientation. It got to a point where I was finally able to let go saying, this is who I am - stop pretending you're any other way. I did.

I never knew people could fly, but somehow I soared. Relationships between me and my parents got better, the relationship between my parents got better. My mother told me I had saved their marriage. That my coming out had forced them to look at themselves closer. It certainly makes the little problems in life easier to get through, I think all in all I've grown to be so much less judgmental, so much more worldly. Not to be modest, I don't know that many teenagers who know as much about themselves as I and as the other gay people who I've met.

I would say, take any chance you get to come out if it will be a positive situation. The relationships to follow after I have honestly said, "I'm a lesbian" have been the truest to date - and are friends I can readily count on. This even sheds some light on my overly homophobic school.

Speaking of which, my plan right now is to come out to my guidance counselor in "strictest confidence" and ask her to inform me of the school's true position on the issue of homosexuality. To my knowledge it is non-existent. Just like we don't have a smoking problem, a drug problem, or a drinking problem, no one in the school of 850 people can possibly be gay. Bullshit. For one, there's me, and believe it or not that is enough for action to be taken. My plans are to seek it quietly, until I know I have support or a lack thereof. Then if I don't, it's a matter of raising hell, with what I know now to be the rights every person has.

All I know is that leading a double life has been destructive; my grades have suffered and so have my friendships and other relationships. I'm hoping not to repeat that. I ask that any of you who have gone trough this please e-mail me with your advice...for all those ready to come out - way to go and the best of luck; for those who have, thank you for the example you have set. Just remember there are people out here who care about each and every one of you and are here if you need to talk.

I'm signing off with a poem I wrote this summer. Feel free to e-mail me at singforjoy@hotmail.com.

May the rainbow follow you everywhere,


Alighting upon summers bough
Knows forever, knows just now
Her time has come no where to turn
Not even the harshest of winds would burn
The passion, desire and drama a surprise
As she enters, she is followed by everyone's eyes
A glittered spectacle, angelic wings
Poised and ready, the truth will ring
The silence waits for an uttered word
And as she steps forth, all that is heard

Just Breathe

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