September 1998

So school started last Thursday. I started this Monday. I don't know what to say about school. Since I came out this summer to my friends, I've been extremely liberated. I've been able to stop playing the pronoun game, I've been able to stop pretending to be something I'm not, I've been able to feel like I am ME, and I've been able to not be scared of people finding out about me and then hating me. I'd love to be open at school, but it'd get back to my family. That's not how I want my family to find out about me. It's definitely not going to be something that's easy for them, and I'm trying to make it as easy for them (mainly for my own selfish reasons) as is possible.

I've been writing in my journal a lot lately. Here:

"I know school does really good things for my ego. It's really nice to be in this self-contained building where I am constantly greeted by people who are happy to know me. And while this gives me more reason to be open about myself, it also makes it scarier. If nobody knew me, if nobody cared about me, what reason would I have to worry about his or her thoughts and opinions? But when I do come out to my school, so many people won't have any choice but to come to terms with homosexuality, and the fact that homosexuals are lovable people. I don't want them to pray for me, and I don't want them to cry for me, and I don't want them to preach at me. I don't want them to HATE me. I don't want them to FEAR me. So when I come back to school next year, hopefully having come out to my school, will I still get my ego boosting that I've become so dependant on, or will it be 'oh there's the nasty fag,' or will it be a more subtle or almost unconscious shying away from Kevin?"

And that's what I'm thinking about recently. You know, even though I bitch about Oklahoma and I hate Oklahoma and I want to get my ass out of Oklahoma ASAP, I'm also very fortunate to live in Oklahoma because I have the ability here to do the most good. If I live in San Francisco, YES! I wouldn't have to worry (as much) about being hit, about being kicked, about having pencil sharpeners thrown at my head, but if I lived in San Francisco I wouldn't have the same ability to make change as I have here.

I'm very lucky to have a personality that lets me be friends with many, many people. While my core group of friends consists of really weird people, I can still be friends with the trendy-type people, with the Christian people, with some of the jocks, cheerleaders, etc. And because I know these people, and these people know me, and almost all tolerate me, and most like me, and many love me, because of this when I'm out at school, homosexuals will no longer be this unfathomable atrocity of our society. Homosexuals will be Kevin.

Or will Kevin be this unfathomable atrocity of our society?

What do you think? I know that most of you live in totally different situations than me. Oklahoma is ... well, it's hell. There are ZERO openly gay people at my school. The one-in-ten rule says there are 160 homosexuals at my school. If my being out at school can make just one person come to terms with his/her sexuality, then I will succeed. And if my being out at school can make just one person accept someone else's homosexuality, then I will succeed.

So tell me, do you think I can do it? How do you think I can do it? Tell me what you think the best way to help anyone.

Anyway, I'll stop my rambling for this month because I need to go mourn the loss of summer and liberation. Write me if you have the time or the desire.

Take care of yourselves,


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