September 1998

He Decides

"He decides whether you should smile, whether you should cry,
Whether you should be happy,
He decides whether you should smile, whether you should cry,
Whether you should be glad...." - Ace of Base

I think this month I'll start talking about something I've given a lot of thought to and something that had affected me a bit. The dependency on a relationship, or needing one.

Last night at the club was the first time I had seen a friend of mine in a while. We first met through some friends of mine in University and from there got a little acquainted. It was really cool because he was good looking and part of me really wanted to take him home or vice versa. There was one problem. My friend told me that he was straight, which was a downer at the time. But still we continued to be friends and things were going smoothly. Then the night of my birthday he bought me a shooter, which I wasn't expecting at all. So again I did the gushes and the "he's so cute" routine again. I let for Regina the next day and hadn't heard from him until last night. A week before one of my friends told me he finally had a boyfriend and I, in shock pretty much outed myself to my workplace (oops). So last night he was telling me how he and his boyfriend were through, etc. when I finally told him how much I liked him and wanted to start seeing him. Holding him in the alley was magical, as I could have almost melted. Anyhow, enough description.....

I found myself in the past few months still itching to find that someone which frustrated me. I wasn't really happy with myself and not happy with my surroundings. I realize everyone wants to feel loved and have friends, etc. I seem to have more of an aggressive factor when it comes to that though, which sometimes seems to scare people away. Not that I mean to, it just happens. In the past week though I've come to realize that it's better to be patient and be happy with myself before I be happy with anyone else. Believe me it's a very tough pill to swallow.

In other news, I finally have a piece of my own writing on the Internet!! Woo hoo!! I had been working on a story idea for the Crow character for a long time and came to finish a 40 page story entitled Divine Intervention. You can find it at http://www.dragonfire.net/~teneaos/crow.html , where it's under the title of Divine Intervention. It was also a birthday gift for a best friend who I was giving a copy to as a gift. Otherwise tonight is another PPM rave here in Saskatoon, which I am looking forward to. In the end of September I will also be traveling to Edmonton again where I'll be attending the NEXUS event out there. Hmm nothing else really to say, except I may have a job as cook in a gay café... *grin* I'll keep you posted.


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