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Sonja

September 1998

My name is Sonja, but you can call me Sunny (everyone else does). I'm going to be seventeen by the time you read this and I'm a senior at a small private school in Vermont. I love to write, it's my passion. Stories, poetry, journals, articles for magazines such as this, you name it I love to write it. Writing is my passion. Oh, by the way, I'm bi. Now, how do I tell my girlfriend?

Kara* (*name has been changed) and I have been together for about four months now. Wow, second longest relationship I've ever had. She amazes me. When we met, I was still struggling to define myself, but Kara...she's always known who she is.

I've always known I like girls, I've just never figured out whether or not I DON'T like boys. For a long time I labeled myself as "bi" which felt natural until someone told me "Well, if you don't want to date boys, then you must be a lesbian." I was able to follow that logic, and agreed. I didn't want to date boys. So, I took on the label of gay.

That's when I met Kara. We always tell people we met at swim meets, which is true, just I don't remember it. I don't remember meeting Kara until I started emailing her, but I'll save my story of how Kara and I hooked up for later. Kara and I clicked. Everything was perfect. Until she went off to camp.

Two months without Kara. It was almost unfathomable. I did a lot of soul searching as did she. When I looked deep inside myself I realized a lot of things that lead me to discover that I'm not gay. I want to have children of my own, naturally. I enjoy the sort of company only a guy can offer. I think my guy friends are great and a lot of fun. I'm even slightly attracted to a few of them. And labeling myself as a lesbian always seemed a bit uncomfortable to me, like buying a shirt that says it's my size on the tag and trying it on and finding out it's a wee bit too small.

So, that's how I came to define my own sexuality. Being bi is very comfortable to me, but how's Kara going to take it? I fear the same sort of rejection telling a gay girlfriend of mine that I'm bi that I feared telling straight boyfriends way back when. How did Kara handle it? Stay tuned...

sunny@chickmail.com


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