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Jesse Fox West

September 1998

This is probably the hardest letter I've ever written. I have never admitted to anyone before that I am of an alternate sexual preference. I have a girlfriend (needless to say, it's a very chaste relationship, by mutual agreement), I go to church (I just love the Sodom and Gomorrah readings. I actually had to READ one of them once, in front of the whole parish, without stuttering or blushing, or letting anyone know that anything was wrong!), and I fake interest in Playboys, etc (usually by thinking of the effect they must be having on the guys showing them to me.)

I come from what must be the Bible Belt of the United States of America. There has never, ever been a student at my High School who admitted he was gay. One girl did, after she graduated, but no male has ever come out of the closet.

I have never met an openly gay teen of my own age.

Do you know just how lonely I feel?

I know my parents would hate me if I told them. They don't like me anyway.

I know there must be other teens at my school who are the same as me, just by the law of averages . . .this area is just so repressive that anyone who came out, or was friends with someone who came out, or was related to someone who came out, or even walked by someone who came out without spitting on them and ridiculing them would be ostracized. I truly live in a desert . . .one that I hope to escape by going off to college.

I can hope that college will be different, but I have little hope. I am so paranoid; I would sooner kill myself than come out. I know that I was born this way, but I can't tell anyone that. If I could alter my genetic makeup to make me "normal" I would in a heartbeat. My greatest wish is to live the American Dream: get married, have kids, retire and be rich and famous. I am so lonely and terribly afraid of anyone ever finding out anything about my orientation. I am Christian, and I love God, and I sometimes wonder if he loves me.

Well, I just needed to say something...

Jesse Fox West (yeah right, you think that's my real name?)

jessefoxwest@yahoo.com


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