(Davy is in college now, and hasn't really gotten everything organized, so no real column this month. Instead, here's a sampling of Davy's failed attempts to be a gay advice columnist - hidden away for years, just lately discovered by a team of vicious paparazzi...)
I'm straight, and for the past two weeks I've been living with a guy who's been my best friend all my life. All of a sudden, whenever I'm around him, I start feeling hot, then cold, and I start sneezing, and when I focus my eyes on him I feel all lightheaded and start to swoon. The problem is that since we live together, he's always around. What's wrong with me? Am I really gay?
-Confused in Carolina
Dear Confused in Carolina,
No, you've got the flu. Go to a doctor.
I think I'm in love with a guy at school. I don't know if he's gay or not, but I've heard through the grapevine that he's done "things" with other guys. He's always sitting by me, and talking to me, and punching me fraternally in the arm. Is he just friendly?
-Hopeful in Hoboken
Dear Hopeful in Hoboken,
How the hell should I know? If you like him, you can do one of two things: either take a chance and ask him out, or just sit in your dark little bedroom lusting after him forever and never having closure on this matter which has consumed your life. Your choice.
Oh, and here's a pointer - if someone you like keeps touching you playfully like that, it means they're looking for a hug/kiss/shag. I'd go for it. Lucky bastard.
I've always been a confirmed straight guy, and right now I have a girlfriend that I've been with for eight years. Anyway, three weeks ago a Calvin Klein billboard with some guy in his underwear was put up right on my way to work, and every day I find myself staring at it so much that I've had 5 car accidents. And when I get to the office I have to masturbate. So my question is, how do I get coffee stains from my morning beverage spilling out during the accident out of my business suit?
-Stained in Syracuse
Dear Stained in Syracuse,
I'd try dry cleaning it as soon as you can, and if that doesn't work, check out Hints From Heloise, somewhere else in this newspaper.
I'm 13, and at the moment I'm in a relationship with a 53-year-old man. I think this is all right, but other people say that it's REALLY wrong. What do you think?
-Wondering in Washington
Dear Wondering in Washington,
It depends. Are you getting paid for this?
Get Davy's new pamphlet, "50 ways to tell if you're gay" by sending all your parent's credit cards and a self-addressed, stamped envelope to John Smith, Box 123, New York, New York.
Davy can be reached in between therapy sessions at firstname.lastname@example.org. His rubber room is located at http://members.aol.com/agelfling