I can't believe this past month has gone by so quickly. Part of it might be the fact that the days just melted into one long boring stretch of BLAH. I don't know if that's at all clear to anybody except me, but there it is. In case you don't remember, this is AJ, and welcome to my October column for Oasis.
If you've read my previous articles, you know who and what I am, but here's a refresher course:
AJ, 19-year-old male, 5'9" 140 lbs., dark hair and eyes, medium build, student at the University of Chicago (a private school-home of the atomic bomb). Recently kicked out of his parents' house for being queer, and is currently living with his best friend in the world: Alison. Leaving Houston for Chicago the day before this article comes online.
Of course my primary concern over the past few months has been going back to school. I have been trying very hard to get my parents to agree to support me in going back, and while every time I speak with them their offer of aid becomes less and less generous, I have hopes that by the end of it I'll be able to return. The plan is currently that I go back on the 30th, but if things fall apart I'm going to have to wait it out in Houston. It's extremely draining to contact my mother (who is acting as primary intermediary in this affair) because I know that after the conversation I'm good for nothing except collapsing onto the sofa and passing out. The way that my mother manages to drain me emotionally is incredible. In any case, that's about all I know on the matter of school so I don't know that it's worth writing any more about it.
Pretender (person I'm currently seeing) and I have got a great relationship...apart from the fact that I care about him primarily as a friend, and hardly at all like a lover. As far as he's concerned, it's his first relationship and is head over heels in love with me. Basically this comes out to an overly awkward situation, since I've tried to explain to him how I felt, but he still feels the same.
I have told him that we'll just be friends, but at the same time I'm tending to neglect him. I feel really badly about doing that, but I don't want to tease him. I want to spend more time with him, but as things are now, I think it would just make me leaving harder on him. There is another element in the mix, specifically Ranger.
Before I get evil e-mails yelling at me for cheating on Pretender, the Ranger situation came up after Pretender and I had already cooled things off. Nonetheless, I don't want to see Pretender hurt so I haven't talked to him about our situation.
Until recently, I'd put my strong emotion for Ranger onto the back burner since I was under the impression it was a one-sided feeling. The other day however, Ranger started crying when I told him I was leaving in a week for sure. He proceeded to tell me that he was falling in love with me. The fact of the matter is that were we to get involved, it would be something very serious. In a lot of ways Ranger has helped me set the standards for the person I'm with. All of those standards, Ranger meets. I won't say that the boy is flawless, he is human after all, but our flaws are complementary. We would be good together. BUT <<and there always is one>> I'm leaving for Chicago in hours.
I don't know anymore what I want out of my life and my romantic situation. It seems like every month there are a ton of males in my life. The truth of the matter is that this summer has consisted of Ranger and Pretender. Ranger the one I care about romantically, and Pretender who cared about me. Only recently have I found that Ranger also cared for me romantically, yet I have days left in Houston. Sounds terribly like a textbook tragedy.
I wish that I could open up a book and read my life on it. I wish I knew what outcomes are going to come about as a result of my actions today. Maybe I would look at my life differently. I'm immensely frustrated at every aspect of my situation. This coming school year is going to kick my butt. I am embracing a course load that is ludicrous to my peers, all in the attempt to graduate in 3 years from a university where the challenge is graduating in 4. I love my school, but at the same time I think I'm missing out on a lot that makes it worth it. Education is much more than what happens in the classroom, but if I only have time for work and school, I won't get anything more out of my education. I want to graduate in as little time as possible, I don't want to be held back in pursuing my life, but at the same time I don't want to get cheated out of a good education.
I'm also beginning to question if its worth it to suffer through my parent's drama in order to get this specific education. I mean after all, right now I'm thinking strongly about education as a career. It isn't as if graduating from UC is going to do a phenomenal job in getting that to work out for me. I could go to the University of Houston, spend nothing and still come out with a decent education. But the hitch is that that wouldn't satisfy me. I want the best education I can get, and I know that isn't UofH.
Since it is such a big part of my mental state right now, how exactly did I manage to fall in love with somebody I KNEW I couldn't be with again for at least a few months? Granted that I was two months in the falling, but still, it didn't happen until after Pretender and I broke things off. We knew that it would end up being something more serious than we could handle right now. How is it that people can still do stuff that they know is unwise before they do it?
I want to apologize to everybody for not having particularly deep articles the past few months. This summer has been anything but a vacation, and its showing in my writing. I'm talking about what I'm thinking about, and Ranger has been on my mind continuously for the past few days. I'm turning in the article late, so there's no time to edit and revise. Overall the drama in my life, sadly, is coming out in my writing. Hopefully next month I'll have something meaningful to say <I sure hope so>, but for right now its my drivel. Well if you want to give me idea for next month or just to talk or bitch or whatever write me <firstname.lastname@example.org> or soulseer on AOL. I hope everybody takes care and you have my best wishes.