October 1998

Tuesday Evening, September 8

It's actually really weird to see my name in print, electronic though it may be. I noticed that I did let a real name slip last time, but Ms. Taylor is already known as a biology teacher. (However, that does rule out quite a bit of the about 400 sophomores at my school as to who I am.)

Since everyone seems to be talking about how far back their histories go, I might as well join the club. I realize now, looking back, that I had my first crush on a guy back in kindergarten. The first time I was attracted to a guy and I realized it was sometime in 6th grade, in the locker room after gym class. (Hokey as it sounds.)

Your lips lies a secret
A promise of a kiss
Of something more than this"

--The Cure, "More Than This"

I still haven't spoken to Paul outside of the context of the moment's needs. However, I'm starting to notice that I'm not the only one of us staring, which I'm trying to be more discreet about. We've made eye contact several times, and it's really odd; sometimes, I'm being drawn in, but others I can almost see daggers coming out of his eyes.

Despite having emotionally put myself into Paul full speed ahead, I'm not really that monogamous when it comes to the physical side of things. Actually, one person that has been showing up quite a bit in my fantasies is an exchange student at my school from either Spain or Latin America, real name Juan Carlos. (See also "Common Fantasies of Adolescents, Vol. 9: The Total Stranger") He's the usual dark and handsome bit, (I can't really say tall, since he's shorter than my tall self) with INCREDIBLE legs. Must be that soccer sport the rest of the world thinks is so marvelous, but we Americans don't seem to care about. He actually does a very nice job of implying well-endowment. Not that size matters. (Who am I kidding?)

While I'm meandering all over the map in this column, I think I'll take the scenic route again, onto dreams. Just out of my personal set of beliefs, (I've consciously shunned all major religion, and one advantage of indoctrinating yourself is that you can change anything that doesn't work at the moment.) dreams are to be taken very seriously as messages of what you're seeing but can't tell yourself.

Most people dream that they're the only one walking around naked in a public place. A couple of weeks ago I dreamt that I was the only one clothed in my school. I can only figure that it means that I have so many defenses up in my attempt to not be different that I am making myself different.

Saturday Afternoon and Evening, September 12

Back to dreams... I had one of some significance last night. (What makes it that significant, I don't know.) To make a very weird and very confusing story short and understandable, I was very excited to see a new aspect of Paul, (This was set in a swimming pool dressing room - I think you can draw your own conclusion as to the real meaning.) but he disappeared without a trace when I turned away for a second. I later put this poetically as, "You could have shown what's underneath," with only the context that it was in a dream. (I actually send my poetry to a former teacher of mine who is a mentor, so I have to be really ambiguous for quite a bit of stuff.)

This wouldn't probably have been quite so major except for an incident yesterday in which Paul and a young lady were walking each other to class (they were across the hall to each other) and they had their arms around each other's waists. I could deal with this as Paul being straight or bi, EXCEPT: a) he is almost stereotypical of a gay guy in how he presents and carries himself -- down to a voice with that little high-pitched whiny note to it and a wrist that would need a splint to keep straight; b) we had one of those (good) eye contacts about an hour and a quarter later.

This "almost" is driving me crazy. I don't want to find anyone else because Paul might I am almost in a relationship. I can't just walk up and start talking to him out of the blue because we are almost complete strangers.

Thursday Evening, September 18

Thank goodness for missing the deadline. There's so much I had in this column 96 hours ago that I wouldn't say now, whether not true, or the embellishments of my own imagination, or just plain stupid and irrelevant stuff.

Some days it seems like we are THAT close to having a relationship, others it seems like we never even knew each other. The last couple days have been like the first, and I'm almost wishing the second one. In our shared biology class, we've been doing stuff that we feel completely unprepared for, and Paul and I have, by several miracles of either coincidence or planning, ended up pretty much right next to each other the last 3 days. He keeps whining in my general direction about how he doesn't understand this stuff, almost as if he expects me to be a knight in shining armor to come to his rescue. I would consider it if I had any better idea of what was going on than he did. (I actually had thoughts about that sort of thing the night before we started this, but in that case, it was physically coming to his rescue, even though the "bad guy" is virtually Paul's best friend.)

I really need to do SOMETHING about this. I'm failing several classes in part because I'm concentrating on Paul instead of the work.

It seems that my karma and my ISP's don't match up tonight, (I'm Buddhist, so I believe in that type of thing) so I'll try in the morning.

(This may or may not be up by the time this is "published." It depends on school, and my parents' reaction to my report card.)

PS: Thanks for the mail, it's about the only think keeping me sane, especially since my family can't seem to say anything intelligent to me these days.

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