October 1998

So, this is it, my debut article Where to start? Well, I might as well start with the basics: I'm in Grade 11, and I'm sexually unsure. It first occurred to me that I might be gay when I was 12. I started to realize that I was when I was 13. I came out when I was 14. And now I'm writing for Oasis.

One of the most important things I suppose one ought to do before writing for something like Oasis, after having asked oneself if one is ready to take the "risk" (or whatever you wish to call it) is WHY one wants to write for Oasis. From what I can glean from the articles I have read, I'd say that the authors mostly fall into two categories: those who write for themselves, and those who write to be heard. These two types of writers have many different secondary reasons for writing, but it all boils down to the basic question: am I writing this for myself or for other people to hear me? I'm writing for the former reason. If I had written this a few months ago, it would have been the latter, but in view of current circumstances and where I stand now, it is the former. Anyway, what is my "secondary reason" for writing? It's not to try and sort out my sexuality. I've already worked that out: I've decided that I don't know and I don't need to know. The issue is not with me, it's with me in relation to other people.

Everyone creates a persona through which they interact with the world. This persona is not and cannot be one's entire personality but it is a reflection of such. "All the world's a stage and the people just actors in it" (what a pedantic thing to do- quote Shakespeare). Only a select number of people can totally know you and you choose those people, usually. Alright, so I've created a persona -- unconsciously, mostly -- and it's one that I'm pretty comfortable with because it is nearly all of me. I don't pretend to be anything that I'm not -- in short, I don't "swallow myself", which is one gets into trouble. Swallowing oneself is always dangerous and really pretty annoying. I have not, at least to some extent, done so.

However, there is one thing that is not "known" or at least not clarified (because I do flirt horribly with nearly every girl I'm friends with) -- and that is, predictably (and quite obviously), my sexuality. Those who "know me", know me in my entirety and I feel that I can be a "different person" with them, not in the sense that I'm more "open" or comfortable, but that I'm more complete. The thing is that my persona doesn't feel complete enough -- some days I get this terrible annoyance caused by the feeling that I'm a one-note person. I'm not, really, I have my other dimensions -- I don't hide, really, anything about myself but I get this horrible feeling that I'm not being taken seriously.

This all started last year, when I started being more confident and it has lessened this year, when I have become more "careless," that is that I'm not masking everything in levity. It's not that there's a problem with levity -- I love to laugh -- it's just that I don't feel like I'm being taken seriously. Now that I have begun to take myself more seriously, it may be that I'm going to be taken more seriously by other people, but still, I can't help feeling that it's that one little piece, that one unclarified point, that would make all the difference.

I think some people already think I'm gay or at least somewhat bisexual. I've got pictures of both Jarvis Cocker and Scary Spice in my locker and have expressed sexual interest in both of said celebrities. I've mentioned some guys I think are cute, but constantly flirt with girls and do nothing to refute the half-joking suggestions that I might be homosexual. At the same time that I feel like a joke behaving this way, I also enjoy the aura of mystery and I like watching people and trying to figure out what they think about me.

So what if I came out? Would I lose a lot of friends? One or two maybe, but I don't really give a damn. I don't know what would happen. I don't know even if that's the answer. I quite like being enigmatic and not being known and am pretty much a private person (hence the pseudonym), is this something too "private" to reveal. I dunno. Maybe I will make myself a little bit more "known".



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