These are a few more entries from my journal. In case anyone cares to read them.
Do I have anything to lose? Probably. Right now I have, ready to send, a message to Eric on ICQ. It says, "Would you run away if I told you how I feel?" I wish I could tell him. Jan knows. He's the next logical person to tell. I just don't want to hear him say for me to go away. I wanted to kiss him so badly today that it hurt. I could feel the pain inside, from the pit of my stomach it spread through my limbs.
What could I lose? A friend who's there to see movies with and laugh with, but never really talking about what's important. I could gain a lot more.
I'm going to send it... It's gone. Too bad he's not online right now. I don't know what I'll do if he asks about it.
It's been several days since I've written anything. So I guess I should catch up.
Last Saturday, Dad and I helped the Jacksons move some of her mother's stuff out of a storage unit into their garage. It wasn't that big of a deal, although it was a pain to have to get up at 8 am. But I did make forty bucks off of it.
On one of the trips, Dad and I were driving down the road and there was a car in front of us with some symbol on the back of it. It was a circle with a triangle inside. The thing looked like it was made out of metal or gold-painted plastic with a translucent blue in the spaces. I had never seen anything like it before and wondered what it was for, but I didn't really care. But as soon as I had put it out of my mind, my dad asked me about it. I told him I didn't know. He told me what he thought, "It must be some kind of symbol for Satan worshippers. Or gays." My heart sank. What would he say if he knew? Would he really put me in the same class as a Satanist?
I told him. I finally told him. I was happy, scared, and depressed at the same time, and a little shocked. I guess my message asking if he'd run away really tipped him off since he actually asked me. I do have to wonder what he's thinking though.
I am a little disappointed. Almost the first thing he said was that he's not gay. I didn't really think he was, but I still hoped. I really don't know what I'll do if he asks if I've ever been attracted to him. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I'll have to tell him that it's not an issue anymore. Although the last time I told someone that something wasn't an issue I was outright lying. I don't know that I won't be doing the same this time.
I am happy that he seems to have taken it well. But the whole conversation was a little surreal. It feels like it was a dream. He didn't have the usual tone that he has. I don't know. I think he probably had planned what he wanted to say beforehand because he obviously guessed what I was hinting at.
I wish I hadn't told him on ICQ. I wanted it to be something that I could tell him face to face. Even though I am much more comfortable online than in person, I just felt telling him that I'm gay should have been done with him in the same room.
Oh well... I'll just have to wait and see what happens. It's time for sleep. It's 2 minutes 'til 3 in the morning.
June 19 (6:31pm)
In about an hour I will be at the movies with Eric and a dozen other people from his work. I have no idea what is going to happen. Probably nothing. Will he act any different? I hope not. Unless he was lying about how he feels. I doubt he was. Oh well. I'll just have to wait.
I went out to Denny's with Jan tonight. It's really such a simple thing, to be able to go to Denny's with someone, not to eat really but just be with a friend and talk. I'm glad she's there. I wish I hadn't thrown so much shit her way though.
I just wish I knew how she really felt when I tell her things like I told her tonight. We were riding in my car and she asked me about what I had told her about on the phone earlier. Part of me wanted to just ignore it, or shut up and not tell her anything. But that would have only annoyed her. So I just decided that I would put away any fears that I had and asked her, "Do you get uncomfortable when I talk to you about how I feel?" She said no. However, that was only the precursor for what I wanted to tell her.
When I talked to her on the phone earlier tonight I told her about the trip that Eric and I and a couple of people from his work took to Sedona today. It was a nice little day trip, up and back to eat lunch and walk around some of the shops. We ate at a Thai restaurant. The food was great and I had fun even though Eric was sick from something he ate last night. But as I told Jan, the whole trip was a little frustrating for me.
Naturally, she wanted to know why. So I told her, "For a long time I've liked Eric." I decided that I would let her know that bit of information in the most toned down way possible. I didn't want to blow her away with me telling her I want to screw the hell out of him, or even something like that I have crush on him. But I still needed to explain why I was frustrated. So from there I explained to her how I had told him I was gay and that he said he wasn't, even though I had hoped. She just sat there, and the subject was quickly changed which left me just as frustrated. So I just let it go and decided not to think about it.
Basically I need to just get over him. That won't be easy. Especially without having someone I can talk to that understands what this feels like. For me, that's the hardest part of being gay right now, I have no one to talk to other than a few people on the Internet. I know Jan doesn't accept who I am, but she wants to be my friend so she'll tolerate it. But I think I'm going to have to not say anything more to her about it. And I know that Eric doesn't agree with it, but we don't ever talk about anything important any way so it doesn't matter.
I wish I could find just one person who understood that I could talk to. Either that or go insane.
I'll post some more in the future. If you like, I would love to hear from you. Steve's email is firstname.lastname@example.org or on ICQ at 2068464.