October 1998

My name is Viki and I'm from New York. I don't have an occupation (although I love writing) I'm 13 and in the eighth grade. A lot has happened over the summer. Many events have occurred in the past two months or so that made me question what it was that I wanted in life. One of the questions that came to mind very frequently for me was about love. Love is a funny thing. I've come to believe, as I thought about it, that marriage is pointless. It is an endeavor to punish yourself in the end. I find it hard to believe that people can stand up and say that they will love one person and one person only as long as they shall live. I have at certain times felt guilty for loving more than one person, but I've come to the conclusion that that is perfectly normal.

I can honestly say that at this point in my life, living not even half of it yet, I have loved more than six or seven people. They aren't all the same love. But love is not something you can categorize. I know that I love my mother entirely differently than I love my friends. My love for certain friends is in a very sisterly way. I also find it hard to believe that people can say true love is love with no strings attached. That is extremely false. Love is the most tangled up emotion there is. It can make you feel like you're on top of the world. Or it can make you feel like you want to be six feet under.

Lately, within the past year I have come to realize that I love most of my friends. In more ways than one. But I do not love one of them singularly. I love all of them equally. It is a deep sense of caring. It is said that in private women are much more affectionate with one another. From my experience that is very true. Because when in a private place I want the opportunity to show my friends how much I love them. I'm sure men are also more affectionate with one another. But the human soul works in many mysterious ways. There are those that would define themselves as straight or bisexual or gay and lesbian. Not all people work that way. Some are very unsure of there sexual feelings. Some do so much one way and so much the other. Some do everything in every way. But no matter what people do they can still love. Women have a very close bond with one another, as do some men. I think that once girls hit adolescence most of them begin to love their friends in a very deep way.

It appears that the more popular people at this age are the ones who follow original clean cut stereotypes of young teens. That usually means they are more suppressive of their true feelings if they think they might be in love with someone of the same sex. It is much harder for them to cope with their feelings. They usually tend to lash out against people who seem to be lesbian or gay. (These are the kinds of people that bother me the most. For being so ignorant to themselves and everyone else.) This makes it easier for them to not deal with their feelings. It is much harder for these younger people to be honest with themselves. Their society tells them all that they are thinking and feeling is wrong. So they must realize on there own that it is not. That it is OK to love people no matter what sex they are.

I am not running away from monogamous relationships by saying that is ok to love more than one person at once. But at this point I would really enjoy spending the night with all of my friends because I care for most of them in a deep way. Besides there isn't much of a chance that I will be going out with any one right now, but the truth is I don't care. Because I know that I can always invite my friends over. I hope to be a guide for all of my friends. I think that a few of them are lesbians. I know many of them are bisexual or leaning in that direction. There are a few of them that are sort of in love with me. I want to help them realize what they are feeling (not trying to convince them that they are gay just pointing out the possibility from the obvious ways they act and things they've said) and make them feel secure about it. Because I already know I am. I know that there is nothing wrong with it either. But they don't know that. They are searching for acceptance or a way out. I just want them to realize that there isn't a way out so they might as well quit while they're ahead and make the best out of the life they were given.

Well that's all I have to say on love and life. I just wanted to get it out on paper. I would love to hear from you if you have any questions or comments. You can e-mail me at Cyrano89@aol.com. Thanks for listening.


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