November 1998

Well hello there! My name is Avid and I am an 18 year old lesbian/college student. My hobbies include knitting, horseback riding, long walks on the.... No, no. That's not me. I swear I have multiple personalities...and if you have the same affliction... do you ever notice how most of them come out when your on the computer?! There should be studies about this connection I tell you! Well, enough ranting about nonsense. I read someone else's article that declared there were two types of Oasis writers -- one that wrote for themselves, and one that wrote for the benefit of others. Dare I say, there is a third type...because quite possibly I am doing both. A little free therapy for the both of us certainly could not hurt.

Where oh where should I begin?! I've known since the dawn of time that I was attracted to women...it's just the realization part that took me quite a few years. That major epiphany that comes when you finally say "Yes. I'm gay. And yes, it's okay." And no, my epiphanies usually do not rhyme...but it worked in this case. For a long time when I was younger I consciously thought I was a boy. I had the hair cut, the clothes, the attitude, the GI Joe action figures, the strength, and the flirtatious swagger when it came to other girls. I had everything but the body parts to prove it.... Alas, the breasts started coming and I was forced to say to myself...."Yes. I'm a Girl." Sheesh....how many coming outs can one chick take in a lifetime?!

I either grew out of it or suppressed my tendencies, whichever, but I began to conform to the masses and started dating guys and pretended I truly enjoyed their company. I always felt the desire to be with my best friends rather than my boyfriends but I pushed it aside and became what I despised. Those girls that sat in the school bathroom painting their nails and raving over how fine Josh looked that day or how dreamy the New Kids on the Block were. Oh come on now....you know you liked them back in the day...don't deny it! Without divulging into my past...I should probably discuss my present day situation and leave the past...for, well...future articles.

With all the mental and emotional growth I have achieved over the last six years (in which I was out to myself) is all washed away when I get in the shower every morning. I put on a facade just like I put on my watch. I'm frightened of the people around me at school and at work. Not that I think that most of them would not accept me...but I do not believe I am ready to even give them the opportunity. At least I have stopped verbally pretending men are attractive for the sake of my family and peers. That's a plus right?!

However, it has been tough to hide my true emotions in public. Which also scares me. When an attractive women comes in the door at work I either escape out of helping her in fear that my eyes and my charming smile will betray me, or if I do assist her, I am incapable of forcing myself to look her in the eyes. I have gotten extremely good at this little hide and go seek game I play....but it certainly does not stop at helping beautiful women at work....but I somehow pretend that no one can see me when I go out somewhere in public. Like a snake that can be twenty feet long and put its head under a rock and it thinks nothing can see him. Same concept, except that my head is covered with long hair. I needed it to be cut for months but chose not to in fear that any length removed will inhibit me from being invisible. I have magic hair my friends... I did finally get my hair cut and I am feeling just fine, thank you.

I rationalize these types of things in my mind to keep me in a safe and comfortable bubble so to speak. Despite what I have said, I am actually an extremely outgoing and personable woman on the outside...but only my mind, my therapist, my sisters, and my past girlfriends know the truth. Gee...that sounds like an awful lot of people all of the sudden! Does anyone else rationalize things in their mind to feel safe and okay about themselves and their surroundings... or am I just crazy?!

Anyway...It gets extremely hard to meet women, especially when you hide like I do. All the girlfriends I have had started out as best friends...so I have never been able to meet someone and just start dating. Its difficult enough being alone in this world...but being alone and gay just horribly reeks! It's funny...not ha ha funny mind you...but the reason I cannot meet women in an everyday setting is because most of us are closeted. And if I see a woman that I presume is gay...they are usually working at the hardware store if you know what I mean...sigh.

Another problem I have is this "gaydar" people speak of...which is basically a homing signal that tells you who is gay and who is not. Well....perhaps you have to be an official card carrying lesbian or something...but I do not have this nifty piece of machinery. If anyone knows where I could possibly find one, please do not hesitate to write!

Well....this is becoming extremely longer than I had originally expected...so I shall leave you with a quote a hero of mine once said.... "We all eventually become what we pretend we are. So you better pretend to be something you can live with." --- Xena



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