Fender Bender

November 1998

Well yes, oh but maybe not, Nah-go on, but......

I must be getting confident these days: I have bought Madonna, Marvin Gaye and Annie Lennox albums recently. Before I just had a problem admitting to myself that I liked them, I couldn't face it. Now I can fully admit it to not only myself but certain select people as well. Hmm, is this sounding at all familiar to anyone?

Seriously, my confidence has improved. After my coming out to (yes that word again) Sarah (the most scary moment in my life), I can now talk about the whole gay (very big word) thing happily. I even (with control) point an attractive guy in public, right in the main street in town. I, naturally, do this with complete discretion. After all, I have to admit that life can be fun at times. As much as I hate to admit it, most of that fun comes from school, yes the receptacle of hatred for me (I'm just the king/queen of melodrama). I have three subjects to look forward to; English I like and gladly go to because luckily for me our prescribed text this year is Romeo and Juliet which I really love. I idolize Shakespeare, the man was a complete genius, anyone who can cram so much depth and intricacy of 111 pages of English language has to be. We then have Economics where I sit next to the lovely Andy and I seem to have a grasp of what I am doing, an added bonus is I like the subject. Finally we have Drama which I have to say I run open-armed to, I could live in a theatre. There is something very special about those buildings, they just set off something inside of me that makes me so happy. Also my teacher is the most amazing woman. On top of all of that, there are the odd moment of fun at break time.

Now to totally change the subject; my out count has grown by one to three which, since in February it was one, I don't think it's too bad at all. Alongside Sar and Lind, there is now my other furry fun friend Jenn. They are now my three best physical friends (by physical, I mean I can see them). I had really wanted to tell her for ages. I did try at a party but quite understandably she didn't believe me because I was a little drunk (OK, very drunk). So finally, a week later, I said something in an e-mail, thank you Sar and Lind for encouraging me. To make it even better she's totally cool with it. I seem to be on a role. A boyfriend would expand the diameter of my circle, though.

For some reason, since they all now know I'm gay they seem to remind me of cartoon characters. Sarah is Itchy (of Itchy and Scratchy) and Lind is Scratchy because the two always seem to be having some kind of comical fight of one sort or another. Also Lind and, we'll call him J, seem to be having a comical fight, I think of J as Slappy Squirrel. That used to be Sar but as I said she's more like Scratchy. I'm not out to J just in case you get confused. Jenn is Brain of Pinky and the Brain. It's not so much the conquest of the world she is totally obsessed with but rather the conquest of Italian footballers, quite understandable really.

They probably only remind me of a cartoon because I have taken on the emotional stability of a cartoon's plot. I am all over the place. I can't decide on one thing from the other. I'm going 'Well yes, I'll have the red one. Oh but maybe the blue one would look better or maybe not. Nah, go on I'll have the red one, but...'. I'm not talking about anything in particular, it's just a hypothetical situation. I can't decide on one thing and stick to it. I was going to study Contemporary Theatre Practice on Tuesday and on Wednesday I was going to be an Economist and then come Thursday I was going to do adventure trekking and now it's Friday, I'm just in a mess.

Maybe it's due to my frail emotional state. I got so stressed on Sunday night over a presentation on Monday I started to cry when a cheque wouldn't tare. It was another thing gone wrong and I just couldn't take it. At least it's school and not the gay thing, which I am now in control of. I seem to be helping people who aren't entirely in control of the gay thing a lot at the moment. It's a wonderful sense of happiness you get from helping someone who has been in a similar situation to you. If you are unsure I'll listen to what ever you have to say. It not like I am trying to score points by racking up another one. I would never say you're gay, no you can't be straight. You just can't do that to someone it a vulnerable state. If someone had said to me, no you don't want to be gay, go straight I would have probably listened to them. Sorry to have waffled on.

I must depart for another month. I'll see you all next time for a festive edition. Well, it's September now and I think I'm writing the November edition at the moment so I would assume the next one will be for December. If they change the order of the months that will muck all this forward thing up, damn it. Ok, I better stop before I go mad and drive you all mad. If you wish to e-mail be you can do so at this address 'Fend@sylvestris.demon.co.uk'. All e-mails are welcome and I will reply.



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