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Schell

November 1998

Believe Me

"Believe me, touched by God,
Touched by you, you know I never asked you to,
Believe in me, it's all I can do, things you never said...

And wanting you, to reach out from the dark,
to come in from the cold,
And wanting you, is all I can do, things you never said...

Believe me (you could ever try),
Believe me (or keep it all to yourself),
Believe me (I really wanted to die),

I'll take the note, the words that say I'm weak,
That shown I should have died, and crumpled in the fire,
I'll take the note, it's all I can do, things you never said..

So I'm burning up your picture, lay you in this shallow grave,
so I'm washing clean your body for the promises I never made,
I'm burning up our pictures so my love remains the same..." -Moist

 

Well, I wasn't too sure how to start this month's column. I hope you readers don't mind but again I'm going to bear my soul and I guess deal with something that's been chewing the inside out of me for the past week. It's something I don't understand, and maybe if you do, drop me some insights, will you?

In early August, I met someone while online in a gay and lesbian chat room. It was kind of weird because I just said hello and he said hi back. And the conversation just went from there. You know, when you just see someone interesting you kinda gotta say hi. So I did, being the somewhat friendly guy I was. We talked a bit, but soon I had to go, so I promised him an e mail. I'm sure he didn't think he was going to get one, but in two days I wrote him and visited his page. He was a really sweet guy from Michigan from what his page said, and well, I signed his guestbook. It was funny because, even though he was very good looking, it wasn't that which interested me. It was his personality, his interests. So I sent him another e-mail. I was almost sure that nothing was ever going to come out of it, but you know it doesn't hurt to have a cute friend online *smile*.

In mid-August, I was liking someone else, which fell apart at the rave. I was a little bitter, but I knew it was going to happen the way I wished it, so I was ready to give up. I hopped online Sunday night after the rave, talking to the guy that we had sent e-mails back and forth. He then said something was bugging him. So I sat and listened to him as he said this year was important to him and he didn't want to fuck things up. I agreed and I tried my best to give him advice. But something else seemed to be bothering him, so I asked him if there was more. He then said to me that he wished he could come out to Saskatchewan (all the way from Michigan!!!) I was a little dumbfounded as no one had ever told me this before. So after a couple minutes I asked him why?? And I seriously wasn't sure why he'd want to come out here. He then said to me "Do I really have to tell you?" I replied yes because I wasn't thinking. When he typed the words, "I'd really love to see you", everything in my body just seemed to leap. I couldn't believe the words that I was hearing. This was totally left field for me. So we then talked for another couple of hours , making preliminary plans to meet and I went to sleep that night thinking "Okay. This is all a dream. I'm not living this."

"And I'd give up forever to touch you,
cause I know that you feel me somehow,
You're the closest to heaven that I've ever been
and I don't want to go home right now.." - Goo Goo Dolls

The next day, I got up and we chatted a bit online. I asked him if last night was a dream and he said "I hope not." It was driving me nuts. For the first time another man was showing interest in me and I was feeling the same way back. Those online chats turned into phone calls which seemed to last forever..(you can ask Sasktel on this one *grin*) All I knew was I was finally with someone I could care about truly, that I'd want to bring home with me for Christmas to meet my family. It was too good.. As August progressed he moved into MSU dorms and we continued to keep in contact. I was beginning to fall in love with him, which seemed nothing short of spectacular. I was looking forward to seeing him in December and in fact a week after the Air Canada strike, before I was to split to Edmonton, I bought round trip plane ticket out to Michigan, so I could go and see him before he came to see me. I was missing him like crazy. And especially the fact the night before I split to Edmonton, he told everyone in the chatroom that I was perfect, totally drove me nuts. When I called him and asked him about this, he said yes and I again was totally dumbfounded by this. He just told me to take it and bask in it, which I did. Of course when someone thinks you're perfect.. you know you just can't help it.

In the meantime, no one in the gay community had really any clue what was going on. Sure I'd let out a small hint here and there, but I wanted to wow everyone when he came out to Saskatchewan. This was a really good reason and with the exception of a few people, I managed to keep it to myself. I just didn't want to spoil a good thing *shrugs*.

My trip to Edmonton got off on the wrong foot, as a couple days before my father was supposed to call. But for all the excuses he made, it was obvious he didn't want me home for the weekend. More panic ensued when I called home and found out my mother had a lump in her breast, which right away caught me off guard and prompted me to phone my boy and talk to him. It was nice to finally talk to him again while in Edmonton. That night I decided to go out with a couple of my friends and do something. As if the breast cancer scare wasn't enough, one of my friend's close friends had a panic attack and admitted himself into the hospital. So I spent most of Friday night worrying over my friend who was agonizing over his friend. He finally made it back to his apartment, in then my friend and I headed out to the Roost for the night. I wasn't really up to it though, and ended up going to Therapy for the pre-party instead, which I also left early cause my best friend and his girlfriend were supposed to go and join me.

Saturday went all right, with me and my best friend going to NEXUS and taking in the event that night. Even though he turned around and ditched me after the first hour which I was not happy about, I stayed, going on to make a name for myself and dancing on stage during my favorite DJ's set in front of 1,500 other ravers. I was also busy warding off two girls as well as a guy because of the one I cared for back in Michigan. It was a night I'll never forget, and a night where I missed him the most. I was really wishing that he was there raving with me. As Nicky Miago finished off his set at ten to eight in the morning on Sunday, he played a trance track which seemed to almost harbor a sense of longing for him. And when I didn't have the energy to dance again, I found it. My eyes fixated on the lights and the three screens, thoughts only of the boy I loved.

I got home on Sunday from the arena, finally making it home at about ten in the morning. The first thing in my mind was for sleep which I was lacking severely. The second was my cold suddenly acted up, preventing me to sleep. I finally tried for three hours of sleep, the gave him a call. Finally the cold took over and the lack of sleep and I decided to hop online from my friends computer and find him. What I did find was another one of my friends online within his tagline saying "Taken by S.S." I shook my head once thinking it was maybe the lack of sleep, and when I checked the homepage, I saw the truth. My boyfriend had ditched me for someone else. In a flurry of tears and anger I tried to reach him that night, but to no avail. I emailed him apologizing over and over for something I might have done and finally waited out in an Edmonton phone booth for two hours trying to call him, trying to piece out what happened. The next day I continued to try and call him, but with no luck. Then came the e mail which I knew was coming..

Sheldon, You are a nice guy, you really are Sheldon, and I do care about you a lot. There is no question there. You are an intelligent, compassionate, sweet man. You didn't do anything wrong at all in this situation. *shakes head* I don't hate you at all, and if you hate me, well, you have every right to do so. I just can't talk about it. You are a sweet guy Sheldon, I just can't do anything anymore. I'm not going to WBS, nothing at all on the internet. I've hurt you, and I'm really sorry for that, I'm just ....Ggood bye sheldon.

I just couldn't believe what I had read. I was so used to the reject label that was being slapped on me on a regular basis in Saskatoon and Regina's gay community, but this really hurt. After two months, I was being let go. That Monday night I ended up going to visit a girl who I saw for awhile the year before. I spent a few hours with her, taking in nothing but a sexual anxiety that seemed to boil out of me. I was dumbfounded the one man I loved could hurt me like this. I stared out her 14th floor patio into the Edmonton skyline, then out to the concrete underneath. I didn't know what I was really thinking. I guess I could have made the jump, but I didn't know for sure. I really wanted to die that night. This was the icing on a bitter cake of sorrow that seemed to be served to me in a grand proportion. I then had made the decision not to love or be loved back by anyone as my self-esteem and any hope was shattered along with my heart.

The next day I wrote a scathing summary of the events which I posted on the front of my webpage, and my promise. I knew it was extreme, but I thought that this was the only way to relieve steam. The last night in Edmonton my best friend took me out for the night. When he got to where I was staying, I was already really drunk, and in his truck I finally came out to him, telling him about what had been going on. He took it well promising to still be my best friend. He said he had a clue because his girlfriend had already speculated when they picked me up from the airport. Quick tension cutter don't you think?? *laughs* When I got home from Edmonton, nursing an ever worse cold and a hangover, I stopped eating and I stopped talking. I just was too hurt and now everything was caving in on me. I sent a select email to some people, telling them I would be isolating myself for awhile. I eventually made it back on IRC as well as ICQ and WBS. But there always was a sorrow attached with it. No matter how hard I tried I could not be happy.

Around this time my family began asking questions too, especially over the phone bill that I now had to face. I just became more and more quiet, while in the meantime just closing myself off to the rest of the world. I also was telling most of the event to this guy's new boyfriend, not letting on who it was. One of my friends online hopped on and threatened me if I didn't say anything to him and if he got hurt that I was going to be in trouble. And as much I like his new boyfriend I thought as friends I needed to be honest with him. I sent him the e mail, in which he flipped out for the first few lines. We resolved things, and even though none of my questions were answered, I'm still getting along somewhat with this person. It just rips me to shred when he gushes about him online and I have to listen, because I don't want to ignore him. Recently though, he admitted he's beginning to feel like the antagonist in this whole drama, which I don't want him to. The fact that he's a great guy sums up why I don't want him to feel he should take the blame in this matter.

As if this wasn't bad enough, my mom called me Sunday night and asked me why I was being so quiet and I was worrying the family. I broke down and told her. I was so upset I just couldn't hold it in. There was a lot of silence on her end for a bit. But finally she told me she would still love me no matter what. *sigh of relief* I'm glad now I don't have to worry about that.

And now?? Well I've been a little more outwardly social, but not by much. I stop eating every now and then because I just don't feel as if I really want to. I wrote him an e mail back telling him that I forgave him and that I still deeply care for him if things ever fell through. Now after all I've told you you're saying what the *()_*&!! But the truth of the matter is that some things you just can't ask why. I still love him and I'm hoping with all of my heart he knows he's forgiven and not forgotten. If he ever asked me back, I'd take him in a second. I love him that much.

Until next month.

"Tonight I need your sweet caress..." - Breathe

Schell
donatello@sk.sympatico.ca


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