Paul Sepuya

November 1998

I woke up this morning and thought to myself: Gee, I'm gay. This November 11th marks the second year of my coming out, but those words are still strange to me. Saying I'm gay sounds like I've had to recognize some difference in me. I did, but I don't feel different, and maybe that's why figuring out exactly what's different was so hard.

*you have just read the only organized piece in this article. The rest is a record of my meandering thoughts. Don't bother for a thesis statement.*

Sometimes I imagine I lived in a Puritanical world 300 years ago. How unimaginably difficult was it for those men and women to come out about their homosexuality or bisexuality? But strangely, people didn't. They simply lived the so-called Boston Marriage. Two men or two women, whom the town called friends simply lived together to share each other's companionship. The line between the love of a friend and the love of a true love were blurred. But of course, everyone knew that there was something different about those Boston Marriages. But I surely doubt that the thought of sexuality ever came into those innocent minds until the clergy may have happened upon some detestable crime against nature. Sin is a whole other matter.

But what I'm getting at is that these distinctions and classes of either homo or hetero, and bi in between create such boundaries. We should just be. Raise our children to be responsible adults. They will grow into who they will much easier if left to nature. Most will grow to fall in love with the opposite sex, and a few will be bi or gay. Just let it.

Coming out would be as obsolete as someone in 1998 being embarassed to admit to using the toilet. Gosh, we all have sexuality, why question that?

No us, no them. No needs for equal rights for them, those people. We would have equal rights for people. Just for being people.

Antitranscendentalism. The belief that humanity is prone to "evil", extended use of biblical imagery, the belief that there is a glimmer of hope which many fail to recognize. A long word for a deep meaning. Let us remember this, and come to use it as a contrast from hereon.

How could we live in a perfect world, where everyone is civil and just, and caring and loving, and above all....did I say PERFECT? No, honey, that will never be. But we can come darn near close to utopia.

The fittest survive. If bitter people take over the world and destroy it, or we suffocate in societal masks, we die. Civilizations before and civilizations to come have and will. Maybe even this great American experiment in the wilderness. Thus, the further in time we go, the most civil and just cultures will survive, producing mostly civil and just people.

That does not mean, however, that maladies such as prejudice and injustice will become extinct. For all humans have the potentials, which also spring forth from the basic needs of a human being- to know what is unknown, and put oneself first in survival. But the more civil and just a society becomes, the better it will be at handling these problems and stopping them from turning from personal evils to societal sins.


It is easier for a civilized man to act like a barbarian, than a barbarian to act like a civilzed man


So think twice, before you judge someone as inferior to yourself. Gay people need to remember that. ESPECIALLY GAY PEOPLE. The fighting pissed of queers that are so quick to cry homophobia and sexism.

How dare they. Watch your mouths. Where do they get so self-righteous crusading when, let me list them as follows, there are so many screwed up systems of gay culture in its self:

What's this relationship between gay people and money. and caviar. and foreign threads. gucci shoes and a prada handbag. gay and money just go hand and hand. why do you think OUT magazine is full of Versace ads, and ads for expensive vacations? They want our (perceved money). There are poor gay people, struggling gay people.

Get out of your upscale NY penthouses and help out in the streets.

And gay people and AIDS. or at least they think. But how can anyone think otherwise and stop relating the two automatically if every gay cause is a rally against AIDS or in some other way connected? Should I be more prone to helping an AIDS charity because I'm gay? Hell no! I should care and support AIDS charity because I'm a caring person. gay or straight.

I wonder how many straight people are living afraid with AIDS with fear because they're afraid of being called gay, or having to the big fest thing.

I'm sure all of you can think of other things you think are just silly about gay culture in general. I'll stop my bitching and end it on one note.

And not to mention how trendy and exclusive gay culture

I love being gay because I love being me. I create my own cult following, never follow the leader. When I came out, that's how it was expected to stay, and I will fight to keep it like that. But if coming out meant being a fighting queer, or sporting head to toe pride gear. No way. I already have to put up with people wanting me to join the Black pride bandwagon.

If being gay is packing up my bags and skipping with Dorothy down the yellow brick road beyond the Rainbow, I'll stay in Kansas. It was a lovely story, but I think i'll do it my way. But i'll never give up on the Queer Nation.

So you can always leave the light on in the Emerald City, because you can expect me for a visit. Just to check how things are going.

till next time,


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