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A.J.

December 1998

Hey everybody. It's me again, I wish I could tell you how busy I've been. ... Oh yeah, this is AJ; transplanted Texan in Chicago (land of wind and pretentious people). Wow, where to start this month.

Notre Dame Boy:

Well I don't know what to say. I like him a lot, he's a great guy; but he's not interested. I guess that's the way that life works.

Lonely:

The hallmark of my first quarter at school this year has been utter and total loneliness. I have been surrounded by people, but there has never been any sort of meaningful connection with anybody. Its not like I've even been alone, its just that there hasn't been any sort of meaning in my interactions. Like even if there's some sort of fooling around going on, its never got anything behind it. And meaningless sexuality leaves me even more lonely than not having anything. I never thought that that could be the case.

To me fooling around has always been cool. I don't have a problem with it, like I'm gonna turn down making out with a guy at a club if I find him attractive! AS IF! But after that is over, and I go home; riding the El alone at 2 am...I'm empty and alone. The music echoes in my head, almost in time with the clackety-clack of the El...perhaps even memories of the guy who's number I have in my pocket echoes as well. I know that when I call, I'll leave a message, and he'll never call back. Not that I'd be particularly disappointed at the fact since he was obviously not good enough for me to begin with: beautiful but without a thought in that pretty little head.

Clubs, gay clubs especially are horrible inventions. They tease you with these tantalizing tidbits of promise, and very rarely deliver. Ranger was one rare exception. Maybe I'm looking for something I found with him in the same place. I know that's not wise. Lightning doesn't strike twice. I don't know what I want anymore.

I know as I'm writing this that there are people reading this that would never be able to enter into a club like the one I'm talking about. Perhaps out of lack of courage or age or something in combination, but perhaps what stops them is a fear of confirming that after all the thought all the fears of being gay, it might actually be true. But to anybody that's never set foot in Rich's or Playground or the Royale or any of the numerous gay bars cum clubs around all the cities...because let's face it, after you've been to one you've been to them all...they aren't fulfilling exercises. I love to dance, that's why I go to Playground. Its not because I am looking for my perfect mate. I know that if my perfect mate exists, he/she will find me or I will find him/her regardless of where I look.

I'm learning patience. Its been over 2 months since I had a boyfriend. I've dated, and its not like I've led a chaste life. I'm a reasonably attractive guy, and honestly I could have sex a lot more often than I do. The fact that I don't is a choice that I make consciously. I'm not looking for somebody I can have sex with and am attracted to. I am not looking for a friend. And I'm not looking for somebody I can just be with. I'm looking for somebody that will do all three for me. That's a lot harder to find than I ever imagined possible. A lot harder...

There have been nights that I was too sad to even cry. And then I take a step back and laugh at myself, I mean how pathetic! This cute guy who really could get whatever he wanted if he knew what he wanted; but is too confused to figure out what that is. It's truly ridiculous. School isn't helping me, it's driving me crazy. Too much work, too little time to do it in. Its entirely my own fault, I should never have taken the classes that I've chosen to take. Its too hard for somebody to do; that's just the bottom line.

I'm cutting this article short. I feel like I'm depressing myself more by writing it. I'm thinking too much about being alone...and perhaps I'm going to convince myself so securely that I'm alone that I'm going to miss an opportunity to find something else. Something that isn't alone; maybe not even with somebody else. I can't loose the hope of finding something more than what I have. If I do that I might as well give up, become a hermit and never leave my room. Life is too important and valuable to loose locked behind closed doors. It must be lived...it must be tasted...and sure that involves getting hurt and feeling lousy. I'm just going through the hurt and lonely stage. It will pass.

Well with that sort of optimistic note, I'm going to close the December article. (As always you can E-mail me at soulseer@cyberdude.com or IM me at either soulseer or uchcgo19 (on aol). I'd give my phone number out...but I think that would probably be unwise. although who knows, maybe Mr. Right is reading the article right now...


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