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Avid

December 1998

Hey there everyone. This is officially my second article so I imagine it will be a little more boring. I think after the first one it all goes down hill from there. As my girlfriend once told me when she dumped me..."it's kinda like a new car, and then the newness is gone...and you know what, I just don't smell it anymore!" And then she walked out of my life. If she thought *that* classified as an explanation I think she is a crazier chick than I am!

Hmm...I got a little sidetracked, sorry. This entire month has relatively sucked for me. School is just kicking my ass to the curb right now. Hopefully, I will be graduating with my AA (no I am not graduating from an alcoholic academy...sheesh) this December and my father and his family are flying in. I guess I better start practicing my heterosexual mannerisms before they get here. Now let's see if I remember how to do it...dress in a skirt like this...cross my legs like so <as my bones crack profusely> twirl my right pointer finger in my hair like this, giggle like that... I do believe I am in some major trouble! Perhaps I should do something totally wild and crazy and be myself for a change. I am glad my sisters know I am a lesbian or this would make next month unbearable.

I see my father maybe once every few years because he lives in Europe...and I try my damndest to impress him. Not because he expects me to be this fabulous lady, but because when I was younger and my parents were still together, he meant everything to me. If there is one thing I have learned about myself (other than the obvious)...is that I always try to impress the individuals that I wish approval from. And my father is no exception. I need that man to look me in the eye and say that he is proud of his intelligent, charming, sensitive, lesbian daughter. Well...he can leave out the intelligent charming sensitive bit, and my God I hope he leaves out the lesbian part...I just want him to be proud of me and how well I have done on my own...without him in my life. I think perhaps I am confusing the hell out of some of you with my rantings about my father...so I guess it is time for a little back story.

<enter masterpiece theater story time music in the background>

My father left my sisters and I when I was ten to start a new family with his present wife. I have total abandonment issues with this man and now with thousands of dollars of therapy in my head...I still have total abandonment issues with this man. What can I say, sometimes psychologists help, and sometimes they don't. Almond joys got nuts...mounds don't. That kind of thing.

Well anyway, so I am slightly stressing about next month when they get here, but I imagine this too shall pass. God I wish I was dating someone right now...somebody to hold my hand, meet the folks, and declare myself a professional lesbian extraordinaire! Ta-dah! Come! Meet the lesbian! Watch her play! Ten times better than the bearded lady down the hall!

I certainly feel like a circus animal sometimes when people either find out I am gay or I tell them. They have all these questions and uncertainties about my lifestyle. I believe my favorite is "what do you call her?" <insert massive groan> By her name usually works best...unless we are talking dirty of course...then I use big words to impress them as they swoon over my intellectual prowess. There I go again...trying to impress people...sigh. <grin> On one hand, it is nice to know that they are interested in who I truly am, but on the other hand...I don't feel like teaching them the little I know of the gay community. It's like a double edged sword I guess.

I've rambled on long enough. I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

Sincerely,

Avid
xenarocs@hotmail.com


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