December 1998

Christian, 16, is a high school student in upstate New York.

Hello again everyone and thank you for returning to read my article again this month after I missed last month ... My apologies!

Two months ago, I wrote about myself and my life here in Homophobeville! The place hasn't changed and my life continues to get more difficult. Many things from my past which I said would be revealed as necessary are really eating away at my emotional stability and overall well being!

Well, most people in my real life don't even know this but since this is what is bothering me here goes (kinda need some feedback about the next part). For about 18 months, I was taken advantage of by someone I thought was a good friend. (By saying taking advantage of, I'm sure you know what I mean!) In my loneliness within my sexuality and the desire to "experiment" I got myself involved with this destructive relationship. It cause me to have increasingly low self esteem and to develop a sense of worthlessness. I finally ended the relationship about 6 months ago, when if you remember ... Jarret and I began to date. I finally told my counselor this and how it continues to haunt me and that the feelings that come along with it aren't passing. My counselor suggested that I possible start taking Antidepressants to help me work through this and to let go of them (My counselor isn't one to EVER jump to have someone to take meds!) Honestly, the idea of them scared me at first, but I have gotten to the point now where if they will help .... I'll try them!

This new development, and the fact my counselor talked about how I was depressed (not why) with both my parents my father has started to question me. My mom knows I am gay and thinks that is the main cause, but you now know it isn't. In short, this relationship with this "friend" instilled a real phobia of merely being used for sex in relationship. I have become VERY cautious with anything that has to do with sex so this doesn't happen again.

(Disclaimer: I didn't tell you all this because I want you all to feel sorry for me! I just know there are many other people who went through this to and just wanted them to know they aren't alone! I'm here for support and chat for anyone who needs to talk about it ... my contact info is at the bottom!)

But, enough with the negative ... now for the best news of my life!!

On the very small scale of things ... I've decided what I want to do with my life. I am going to major in Psychology in UC Berkeley if I can get accepted and spend my life helping others! I've gotten a lot of info from them and have decided it is my dream school!

And for the absolutely BEST note of my life .......


(It figures that he lives in another state ... but I feel that is it fate/destiny that we met!)

He's cute, sensitive, appreciative, honest, loving, generous, romantic ... the list goes on and on! I've known him for about a month and a few weeks and I absolutely adore him! I'm totally crazy about him. And look at his characteristics ... "Who Could Ask for Anything More?!?" (I know this special someone is reading this and I just want you to know that I Love You and that love would be close to unlivable without you!!!)

Well, that's pretty much all for this month. Thanks for the responses you all sent, I love to hear from you all! (And I always answer my e-mails!!)

If you'd like to contact me, my e-mail is Chrstian23@aol.com and I can be reached on AIM at the same, Chrstian23. Also, on ICQ, I can be reached at 23914018.

Until Next Time ...

With Love,


PS. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all!!!!!

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